Blessed

I feel blessed for all the things in my life, for all the lessons I've learnt, for meeting the people that has impacted on my life, and for all the things that await me in the future, for I believe God has given me much and only time will bring them to me.

Been busy with my Soros project, I sleep less and eat more when in this state, so it's a little unhealthy. Things will change when I go to study again. My parents ask what is the point in studying when I already have the understanding I know. To me it's not about money, and not about what I study. Maybe it's just that I don't like it here, or maybe I don't like the way my life is. I'm looking for you, the special someone in my heart, the one that would complete me. I have that missing feeling, something is missing. For others it may be material stuffs, for me it's you.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
- Romans 8:28

I know God has given me a good life and I believe in him. Just do good to others, does not matter if they are using you or not, God will judge their hearts.

One thing I want, that is you.

Walk on

Have you had a dream so real that you are really there, you can touch and feel and smell. It happened two days ago, the dream was so so very real, I could touch her, I could feel her lips, I could feel our heads snuggling one each other. Who is she? I was sure it was you, but the more I think about it, the more I lose your face in her. Her face becomes erased, just a blot of darkness waiting for me to decide who she looks like. Ah well but that probably won't matter, whatever that will happen will happen, I will just pray to God so that I may make the wise and correct decision when the time comes.

Mozart's Oboe concerto is sooooo beautiful. Not to mention the first part where the Oboe joins in and has to hold a note for around 9 seconds. Beautiful and happy tune, a must to listen and appreciate for classical lovers.

"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
- Sarah Mclachlan - In the arms of the angel

That dream was the first night where I did not take a sleeping pill. It has been two nights where I did not take a sleeping pill. I only have ten pills left for 10 nights, and now I can sleep without taking one. Although on the first night it was still a lot of waking up. But it really is a miracle, I did pray for it, prayed to be able to sleep without the need for sleeping pills and God answered me. That night for some reason I felt like I could sleep without the pill, it was as if something in my heart told me to try. I give thanks to God for the miracles that he has done in my life. He has made me realise something important through someone I met during my friend's wedding. It had put my heart in peace. Feels like I gained the strength to finally get on with my life, to finally start walking again. I've stopped, turned back and looked for too long, now it's time to continue and walk on.

Nice

Phew that was a busy few days, went for my friend's wedding party. She's probably my first close friend that got married. In truth we as friends were skeptic with her decision, but well having been there at the marriage, seems like it wasn't a bad decision for her. In fact I think we came to realise that she probably made the right choice in this matter, even thought it was a rush.
Then I was supposed to come back on Monday but the car that was supposed to fetch me broke down so I was stuck but seems like it was all planned out by God, I had no problems with travel and accommodation, a friend graciously offered a night to stay in.

"Konna ni chikaku ni kanjiru
Sorega Aideshou
Namida no kazu no itami wo kimi wa shitterukara
Sukitooru sono me no naka ni tashika na imi wo sagashite
Egao mitsuketai"
- Mikuni Shimokawa : Sorega Aideshou

"So this feeling of you being near me
That must be love
You know the pain of shedding numerous tears
So let me search for a definite meaning in your clear eyes
Because I want to find a smile"
- Mikuni Shimokawa : Sorega Aideshou(That is love)

Yesterday was a friend's birthday and after Tuesday home church we threw eggs and cakes and cold water on him. Normal traditional Indonesian way of celebrating someone's birthday, we throw terrible stuffs on them. Well I hope they don't do too bad stuffs on me when my birthday comes. My friends did that to me before a few years back in Melbourne. After a nice dinner they actually splashed me with eggs, flour and ice cream, that shirt smells of eggs always, no way of washing the smell away. But it was fun, they chased me all over the park to stuff ice cream down my back.

It's all good fun.

Ideal

In the middle of busying myself.

"Longing for the ideal while criticizing the real is evidence of immaturity. On the other hand, settling for the real without striving for the ideal is complacency. Maturity is living with the tension"
- Rick Warren

Why do people like to assume? They like to assume things that are not there, things that have already passed, things that even I don't really want. Yet they assume they know and judge me on that. Do not judge people, says God. I don't judge you, I see you as the person that I know, as the person that I am learning to understand, as the person that my heart wants to be with.

Beethoven's Spring Sonata is so beautiful. Like the flowing river, like a garden of flowers, like the freedom of the blue skies.

"Will I ever see
you smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go"
- Westlife : If I let you go

Far yet near

You are so far yet you are near as I hear your name every so often. But we don't get to meet nor talk face to face, that is so far. And today I was reminded of my own words, if we're fated then things will work out, that was what I said and after I remembered that my heart feel soothed.

I went to the pet shop again cos well it's in the mall I always go to. And I see five black scottish terriers. So much for having rare black scottish terriers, so says the salesman there. Oh well I'm not gonna get a pet dog currently cos circumstances has changed. Although I have been hoping for it but I didn't actually think that it will happen. Now I just have to believe more.

Hmmm not much to write about when I am not depressed or in a bad situation, not much pain or sadness to let out. Of course that does not mean everything is well, we all have problems ... it's just part of life.

It's still a long way.

"There's a place in your heart
And I know that it is Love
And this place could be much brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try
You'll find there's no need to cry
In this place you'll feel no hurt or sorrow"
- Michael Jackson : Heal the world

Pain

Today it hurts again, I don't know why but it hurts, something that someone said earlier bothered me greatly. My heart was worrying a lot, it was hurting a lot, I felt so gloomy, so sad and sad. I kept praying inside and asked God for help to let me go of that feeling. It was so bad that it was causing my body stress. And finally after Genneo(church for youngsters) I felt totally better, the worry isn't there, praise the Lord for that.

However it does lead me to thinking to a problem. You know you can just tell me anything. It doesn't matter if it leads to me being sad or anything, I'm pretty much ready for it.



"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures"
- James 4:3

Is it because I'm asking it wrong? I don't think so, there is no malice nor possessiveness in my prayer. I asked God for your protection always, and hope that one day you will understand. Maybe I should just rephrase my prayers. I do hope that one day it will happen.

"I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
Can't you see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one that love you more"
- Celine Dion: To love you more

Celine Dion has a wonderful singing voice.