You know...

You dont have to like me...

Yesterday went to Ikea to furnish my room, and there I realised that there is a lot I need to do while I'm here, I totally forgot about it. Now I remember...

Results were great, not that I was expecting anything bad. Oh Don't feel like writng much currently. Trying to finish "Flowers for my life", some korean drama, pretty funny.

Bullshiiiieeeeet

Buuuullllshiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeet

It's time to look at what's around me cos that is more important, the past is past, the future is unknown, and you are probably only playing me. So it's bullshiet. You have what I gave you, so if you wanna ask me to do anything just use it. My world has to be bigger than this, I will get the future I want, success is what will come naturally for me.

My mum doesnt like you, your mum doesnt like me, so what's the point in letting us meet in the first place, it's like they just like to play such lame stuffs, dont they have other better stuffs to do? Pathetic people, I hope they are happy with their actions.

So all in all, bullshieeet, time to look around.

Oh Hebe I love you!!!

Garlic

Guess I calmed down a lot already, being rejected no matter in what form still hurts even though I'm probably "used" to it, what a sad and pathetic way to describe myself. The sick part is I keep getting reminded of that moment where I believed you are the one. Feels like I'm becoming Harvey Dent, like the devil is playing me all along until I lose my mind and create chaos. I ask myself why am I doing the things I do and my answer is a disastrous and simple I love you. I'm probably resigned to always be giving in exchange for nothing in return. I want to hate you but that love is too much and overrides everything else. When I felt that the trip was all but a waste, again that moment came up, making me believe that just for that one moment, it was all worth it, even though the end wasn't good.

I better get myself in the right frame of mind before the new semester begins next week. Don't want to be chugging this sad emotions along, it's bad for health and who knows what would have happened if I were able to not be bothered by this feelings.

I shall turn to my idol in my heart, she seems to be able to soothe my heart when in need. Then again I once hear that idols are for lonely and useless people, for them to dream about what is impossible and just looking for acceptance in their own dream world. Oh well who cares, so long they dont go around hurting people, they are allowed to dream about.


Love Hebe, funny how I have the same birthday as her. Makes me feel like there's a special connection with her, then again many people has the same birthday as me but I just don't know who. Well it just makes me feel special, nothing bad about that.

Dreams

STOP giving me dreams of you when I want to let you go, last night again I get dreams of you. Maybe I should start thinking of others, that should help. This is plain pathetic. I need an outlet for hugs and to cry on right now.

Remember to Forget

When I saw you yesterday after like 8 months, my heart says this is my wife, but reality is totally different, I'm finding it hard to believe that follow your heart phrase, makes me so foolish. I feel played by you, I feel that I'm being too nice and I feel that I'm ready to waste another 7 years waiting for something that might never even happen. I can feel you laughing over there saying things like this guy is so easy to control. Like always I find myself trapped in such meaningless thoughts in my mind. You probably don't even care about how I feel anyway, I am in the end just another one of those guys to you. So are you my wife, I can hear a You Wish!

So remember to forget, for you are just another shadow in the crowd, for you are just a coincidental meeting, there are no meaning to it, I dont have to look for meanings in everything I want to believe in, cos most of the time there are not there. People cannot decide who they fall in love with, but they can decide when to give it up or not. Maybe I still love you a lot, but I will not touch this memory anymore. And no I shall not have dreams of you anymore, everytime I want to let go of you I dream of you, why am I the only one getting it? It should be a mutual thing isnt it? You should get it too if we're meant to be. So I guess it still ends up to be a one sided thing again... like always, nothing new there. I still have a lifetime I can use to forget you, I will remember to forget you.

This feeling is just making me sick, I love you so much and this unrequited love is making me sick, I need some rest. Remember to forget, I will remind myself.

It does hurt

Since yesterday my heart has been hurting, I don't know if it was physically or emotionally, but it's not in a good state. The sad and depressive mood is coming back, and I'm trying to stop that. I guess even though at times you can be prepared for something but when it really happens the feeling is totally different. I guess it was never meant to be then. I learnt something from all this, that is not all dreams come true, they do come true, but not all of them. Guess it isnt easy when we have parents involved in such matters.

I laugh at my whole predicament, going after doesnt work, arranged marriages doesnt work, what's more? Seems like I'm just not meant for these things.

Most probably going to Sg tomorrow, but seems like there is no need to meet you. It just felt redundant and I know it might leave more scars in my heart. I dont want to be a scar collector.

Mood is not good.

Carrot

"It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving"
Mother Theresa

Was browsing in a bookstore today and found an interesting book, was reading it for a while and came upon this interesting phrase, so I used my mobile and took a picture of it.

"Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?"
Caroline Myss

Afraid to live my life ... seems like a distant thing for me, seems like I'm already over that part, now I am trying to get the most out of the remaining of my life, I've wasted a good few years wallowing in terrible depression, those days are over. I believe my life will only get better from here on. I've found the violin sheet for Tong Hua by Guang Liang, will take a few months to play it properly, at least I'm able to play a song just by looking at the sheet which is a good improvement from nothing. Piano's doing well also, one song completed, and Canon in C is doing ok so far, just the notes are a bit weird, will ask my piano teacher when I get to see her again in maybe 3 weeks.

2 papers done, 2 more to go, well by this stage I feel that exams are not something to be feared. I've already grown past that stage of being lazy and always finding excuses to not study and stuffs, those days are long gone but I keep seeing them in my friends. I want to tell them about my experiences but I realised that people have to go through them to grow out of them, just like me.

Why is this post titled carrot? I have no idea, then again like most things in this world, it does not have to make sense. Who is the you that you wrote? God?

Things that prevent success

1. Fear of failing - You want to win, but you're afraid you might fail, so you hold back.

2. Past hurt that blocks passion - You carry around old pain, and you cannot feel your energy to pursue something new.

3. Discouragement from the past - You've been put down or lost before, and you feel beaten before you start, so your whole heart is not available to you.

4. Mixed motives - You want the goal, but you want it for another reason besides the goal itself, so your heart is not really in the pursuit, but in it for the money, acclaim, status, or something else that is not pure.

5. Conflict over the goal itself - You want it, but you want something else too, or you want it and don't want it at the same time.

6. Shackled by someone else's control - You want your goal, but you are pulled away because someone else has control over your time and energy too.

7. Feelings of inadequacy - Your lack of confidence in yourself causes so much doubt that you cannot move forward wholeheartedly.

8. Incompatible wishes - You want two things at the same time that are incompatible, eg. You want to be married and have a family, and you want ultimate freedom and control over your time and life.

9. Undefined passions - You have never found your real passion that would cause you to work wholeheartedly for it.
The Secret things of God - Henry Cloud

I am in the stage of opening my mind and my heart to the many other possibilities in my life. A closed mind and heart would make me blind or oblivious to the happenings around me that I'm supposed to see.

I'm losing my fight to lose weight, well I wasn't even fighting...oh well...what matters is the heart right? WRONG, people now are so material, obviously they mind seeing overweight people, so when someone tell me I look ok I don't feel good at all cos I know I am not ok.

Oh I thought about a nice story.

You were once a girl without dreams, a girl that can only see whatever's right in front of you. I came along, I told you stories about the world, about how big it is and about my dreams, but you said you are unable to dream about them then.
A few months later, you start to work, you start to see how the world is. You start to be successful in the things you do, you start to have bigger dreams, you meet more people and your life becomes more and more interesting. When you finally reach that place of your dreams, you look back and see the sea of familiar faces you seen throughout your journey. You see them all and smile, not noticing that someone was missing. The person that gave you dreams went missing because he was forgotten, I was forgotten...

Ok a not sooo nice story, but not too bad nonetheless.

Learn to say No

If you know something is bad for you and you know it will hurt you, learn to say NO. Why despite knowing that it would hurt you bad you still go for it, just plain asking to get hurt. Misguided by the foolishness of wishful thinking. Learn to erase that needy feeling for getting hurt. It is a very bad case of addiction, addicted to getting hurt, erase that and learn to say NO.

Had a bad sleep last night, woke up at 5am and couldnt sleep, dunno what I was thinking about then had a dream after that. A weird dream, like a movie but a mixture, like hellboy crosses with the dark knight. But the faces I see are those people that I know here, not any old faces, not the faces I used to see in my dreams, but the faces of those people around me at this moment in life. I believe it means look around you, stop thinking and dreaming about the past or the future, what matters are whats around me now.



Quill, a touching movie about the life of a guide dog. That's why I love dogs so much, when you need someone to talk to, they're always ready to listen and always accept you as you are. They're there to lick away your tears and pain, I hope I can get my Kyubi for a weekend when I move to apartment next semester. This is Kyubi.



And Adam said: "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you shall call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and Eve and loved them.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

Drain the wounds

Nope no dreams of you, that is good. But instead for today and yesterday I get a flashback of my emotional life so far, everything is coming back at me, and I mean everything. One after the other turning up on me in one form or another. Though it isnt a bad thing, but it's like digging old wounds. And then I realised that my old wounds were not drained, they are still there and not healed yet, especially the major one. I havent seen nor talk to her in like 5 years, just seeing her picture brings back all the memories, all of them come flooding in. It is time to clean up that wound and let it heal properly or else it would turn into something nasty. Same goes for the rest, time to drain my heart and prepare it for perhaps something new and good. I believe that the run of bad events are ending and good ones will be coming from now.

To those that have been involved in my life, doesn't matter if you have hurted me or I have done the same to you, all I want is for you to be happy, and that is what I always wish for for my birthdays. I never wished for someone to be mine, but it's always for that someone to be happy. Stupid and foolish, but that's what my heart wants.

Letting it go

I think it is time to let it all go, the things I hear about you is just too much. I don't even know what is true and what is not anymore. I know God has prepared my heart for this day to come so that when it happens, it would just be a passing thing, nothing worth to cry about. What makes me sad was that it ended up just as a dream. Sigh I think I'm not made for these stuffs. The ending seems to always be the same, makes it so predictable. I don't know, seems everytime I make such a resolution I tend to dream of you at night, well we'll see.

Ok so I watched The Mummy 3 yesterday, apparently I feel cos I watched the Dark Knight previously, this movie lost it's wowness, it wasnt as WOW as the Dark Knight. It wasn't a bad movie, but maybe cos Batman was so wow, I'm expecting too much out of Mummy 3.

My eye has started twitching again inconsistently, like once in a while, I don't know why also but of well, not something important.

"Don't confuse foolishness with faith"
Henry Cloud : The Secret Things of God

Yea so at this moment I feel foolish.