A straight line

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight"
Proverbs 3:5-6

Life in a way is not a straight line, if it was then it would be boring. A life where everything has been predetermined is not fun, it's like living everyday like a robot. We should try to learn to be happy and enjoy life as it is, accept whatever that comes, don't chase whatever that goes. Sometimes we will ask ourselves questions like what's the point in me doing this or that or what for? Most of the time we probably don't know the choices we make. But perhaps we were just following our hearts, sometimes it leads to painful results, but in the end everything is always good. Time heals all wounds, but there are some scars that tend to stay. But as long as the bitterness does not stay, then everything will end up fine as bitterness will breed other sorrowful thoughts and feelings.

Another random post in this boring times before finals.

Today I watched The Dark Knight for the second time, and wow the whole story still impressed me, Heath Ledger's acting still leaves a deep memory in me, his psycho behaviour and thoughts reminds of myself when I was undergoing depression. Well although I don't go around bombing and shooting people but well maybe I was close to that level of insanity. Thinking back it now seems that I just woke up from a very bad dream, a nightmare, if I relate those events to others they might think I'm crazy. But God has helped me to get through those dark times and now a new me is reborn. Now I can feel that I have the energy and strength to do things I could never do last time, achieve things that I never thought I could. His powers are truly awesome. When laziness try to strike me down, I remember his strength and his promise and that renews my energy.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails"
Proverbs 19:21

Trashed

After not playing for a long time today i played iGo again and got trashed ;(. Firstly was my rank jumped from 30k when I last saw to 17k today, and I met a 16k opponent, naturally I felt intimidated. He could read further than me, many times I got tricked by him and subsequently I started to get careless. I played black and lost by a lot...



Hmm okay my eye stopped twitching today, that is good. This week would be a boring one, the week before the storm, or finals. I wish I could go watch some movies before the exams, but seems that most of my friends are already busy with other stuffs, hopefully some people would be bored enough to spend some time with me catching up to the movies I failed to watch.

Bird

Once there was a bird, it flew in the great big sky, it flew to the highest mountains, it crossed the biggest ocean, it soared up among the clouds, it saw how beautiful the world is. Everyday it flew and flew, seeing all the things in the great big world. One day it thought, I see all these great sights yet it is for me only. How I wish I could share it with some other bird. So the bird went to tell everyone else about the great sights it sees. It told the elephant but the elephant complained it cannot fly. The bird then told the duck but the ducks says they prefer to see what's under water. Then it told the cat but the cat says that if it could fly the cat would chase all the birds in the sky. Feeling down and depressed, the bird approached a beautiful girl and told her it's story. The beautiful girl was intrigued by the bird's story and suddenly spread her white wings and flew. She asked the bird to show her all the beautiful sights the bird has seen. And so the bird flew and flew with the girl. The bird showed the girl all the great sights and experienced it has seen and felt. After showing it all, the girl felt very happy and thanked the bird for the experience. She then went to a guy who calls her an angel and showed him all the wonderful things the bird showed, leaving the bird alone...

It was a bird, she was an angel, what did you expect???

That was a random story I made up cos I got kinda bored after applying some painful black liquid on my ulcers.

Eye still twitching for I don't know what reason. Violin class was all right, I can play the notes just by looking at the music sheet, but the quality of sound produced is still to be desired. Need more practise always. Piano's doing better, I can play the whole Kekasih Sejati song already, but not soo smooth yet, again need practise. Next song on piano is Canon in C, in C not in D cos C is easier haha.

"Shout to the lord all the earth let us sing
Power and majesty praise to the king
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of your name
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands
Forever I'll love you forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in you"
Don Moen - Shout to the Lord

Ulcers

These ulcers are getting bad, my whole body is reacting to it. Seems I would get a fever soon, my body has not been feeling good the whole day. Hope I get better soon.

Ah how wonderful it is to be young, though I can probably slip in as being an 18 year old, but well I know my age better. When I see how my current friends deal with their problems, it takes me back. I guess growing up does have it's advantages. You don't have to bother about many things that seems important when you were younger. How I wish I could help them, but well it wouldnt be fun for them if they doesnt go through their problems themselves. And moreover, they'll probably think of me as some weird old guy.

My eye has been twitching for the past 4 days, I wonder who's thinking of me. Relationships, when I see these kids liking each other I can't help thinking what's the point or maybe I am already too old. At this stage, when I look at girls, I'm probably looking at their possibility of being a wife quality, not a girlfriend. I'm not at the age of looking for girlfriends anymore. Someone blessed by god made a prophecy about me, that I will be on the road to marriage with someone within three years, and that is probably when I graduate. Well three years is a long time, hard to say who will be the one.

Head's spinning, time to rest.

I believe I believe I believe

"Lonely the path you have chosen
A restless road, no turning back
One day you will find your light again
Don't you know
Don't let go
Be strong"

Internet here has been terrible, down for a whole day on Monday, finally back up but on and off like always, can't wait to move end of next month. Been bad physically, having mouth ulcers in three areas, painful, makes eating and sleeping harder. So have to use the painful liquid that stings me when I put on my ulcers, but well they don't feel a thing after that, which is good. Short term pain for some good sleep.

"Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe I believe I believe in you"

Just when I thought I should forget about what I believe, forget about my dreams, this song kept coming out over and over again. Is it a hint for me? Unconsciously I keep playing this song over and over again myself. Follow your heart, follow your dreams, believe... how ironic. Though it did make me feel better in heart, more at peace.

"Follow your dreams
Be yourself be an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do
I believe I believe I believe in you"

I'm still in love with you but it seems that as time goes by it gets harder and harder to keep that feeling. So some time to refresh it isnt bad right? I hope the times spent with you from now on would be good and not as bad as last time. I've had problems in the past, hope they don't resurface anymore. I know you're busy, but sometimes it gives me the feeling that you don't want to meet me, makes me feel unwanted at times.

Even though it may be hard at times, but I believe in us, cos you're the one in my heart and my dreams, and so I will follow them.

"Someday I'll find you
Someday you'll find me too
And when I hold you close
I know that it's true"
IL Divo & Celine Dion - I believe in you

Bitter

Today I've come to a realisation, what is the point in me living each day in this illusion. Believing in a dream that is only sweet and nice in the dream but bitter in reality. It hurts, what's the difference in this one and the last one? In the end the result seems the same. In the end it is still a broken heart. I have to find a new reason, a new reason to be able to live each day happily. A way to forget the unneeded, a way to let go of what I don't have, a place to bury my wishes and a place to lock my dreams.

You always wish me that my wishes would come true, but what if you are a part of the wishes I've made. Would you still want them to come true? I'm starting to lose faith, starting to find it hard to believe in my dreams, starting to doubt my wishes. Because in the end it could be just nothing more than a dream...

Taro Hakase, To Love You More, next song to learn on violin, but gonna be hard to find the music sheet. Hope I can find it one day.

Practice makes better

One assignment done, another assignment and another mid term to go, one presentation to end it all and prepare for finals in one month. Time flies so fast. Been watching Taro Hakase's violin performances, and wow he's really good. Must practice more, just now went to practice piano and found that I was able to play broken chords already, though just maybe a quarter of the song, but it was a good improvement, step by step. Hmm what song should I learn to play next, hope I can hear one that makes me go wow I wanna learn this song.

Heard you will be busy when I go there, oh well, it seems like it always happen that way. Just when I thought I could spend more time with you, things always happen that cut it short, oh well.

Went for a run in the gym today after so long, the place reeks of sweat and smell, oh well lots of smell. A lot of Africans and Middle Easterns pumping iron, just going in there makes you sweat a lot haha. I found that my stamina is still good, able to keep running non stop for about 10mins, gonna try 15mins next time. Again step by step.

Worried

I don't know what this feeling is about, I'm feeling worried and scared, is it because there's 2 assignments due next week and a mid semester exam also or is it the upcoming finals in a months time, or meeting you in a months time. I don't know which is making me feel so nervous, making me feel that i don't like myself, feels like I have to change something from myself. This insecure feeling, afraid of the unknown. I shall pray more. You know, with us being separated so far apart, I shouldn't wish for too much cos anything can happen and I am so afraid of it. When if that day comes, just thinking of it makes me so sad, makes my heart nervous, gets me a fever. If that day ever comes, I hope God has already helped me with it, because I know it will be the most torrid time of my life. I'll just pray that it won't happen.

On to other stuffs, I can play Kekasih Sejati on piano reasonably well already with single chords so far, but my teacher is going further and expecting me to play with broken chords which is making it really really hard for me. My violin bowing is improving but still making mistakes here and there, takes more practise.

"I wanna call the stars
down from the sky
I wanna live a day
that never dies
I wanna change the world
only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do"
Westlife & Diana Ross : When you tell me that you love me

Wish

2 more assignments, 1 more mid term exam and finals soon. Time do fly fast, I believe I did pretty well so far for my test and exams. My piano and violin are lagging behind cos I haven't been practising much with the mid terms. But this week should be good, have to start practising can can and jingle bells on violin, will take some time.

I remember some times last week I had a bad feeling, I dont know if that was jealousy or something else, it just didnt feel good, but it was over after just a day. I'm happy that I can finally get over such stuffs much faster that I used too, last time it would take me days or weeks to be in a not sad state, or maybe last time it was more sad days than happy days. Now things has changed much for the better, which is good.

Today for most of the day I was thinking of you, how I wish that we can meet more often, we havent seen each other for like 7 months. Well I guess it isnt time for us to meet. Today a friend had a birthday and he's the same age as me, but from looks he looks so much older than me, or maybe I still look childish. Guess I should thank God for making me still look young at this age or maybe it's for a reason hmm...nmind.

Just need more practise and I can be proficient in playing Kekasih Sejati on piano, and then next one i want to learn Pachelbel canon on piano, should take a while. I don't know how others feel, but maybe it seems that I'm overdoing things, like taking lessons for musical instruments on top of the already not so easy semester curriculum. Well for me I don't think that it's heavy for me, I am still managing them pretty well, I guess the difference is in attitudes and time management. Sometimes it does get hard especially when we have to battle laziness, I believe I can control that part already and move on when laziness try to strike me down.

I wish that I can meet you soon and have a sweet dream of you tonight and you to have a nice dream of whatever that will make me better in your heart, hehe.