Dream number 2

Dream number two was fulfilled yesterday, I did not expect it totally, yes somewhere inside my heart I was still hoping for it to happen but I have more or less given up at some point before the news was broken to me. Now will dream number one be fulfilled too? Again my heart hopes for it but outside I can't see it happening, but I will still believe.



No it is not up to me but up to God.

"Be joyful always, pray continuously, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"
- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Praying does help in certain ways, it lets your emotions out and you can hear your heart say what it wants without getting rejected. Well at least you won't get rejected right away, only time will tell if what you prayed for becomes reality or not. But I do believe that sometimes praying for other people do help, I did that for my parents and I see a change in them, or maybe they were just having a good mood that day but well things did go smoother.

Two parables I heard the past week from two different pastors. First was a plant would not grow well if it were not grown on good soil, and second was a fish would die if you took it out of its habitat and put on an expensive table. Well I understand what they meant and I thank you God for giving that understanding to my parents too.

Troubled Heart

My pastor's wife is in hospital, she has been suffering from abdominal pains for a while already, and now she has landed in hospital. Today we were scheduled to have a home church group in my friend's place but we got the news that we could not have it today. So we went to visit her and prayed there. God please come and heal her of her pains.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me"
- John 14:1

When there are so much headaches in our day to day lives, how does one not let his heart be troubled? How does one stay in peace, sure we can probably hold that peace for some time, but surely one day we will need to let our dissatisfactions out. Guard your heart says pastor Joseph Prince. Guard your heart from troubles and the peace in you will be multiplied. Have to learn how to make that happen more often. It really is hard when circumstances are not helping.

Earthquakes, eclipses, tsunamis, are we seeing the signs of the end of age?

"I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like a sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, and the stars in the sky fell to earth, as late figs drop from a fig tree when shaken by a strong wind. The sky receded like a scroll, rolling up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place."
- Revelation 6:12-14

Indonesia has lost many islands due to the melting of the ice caps. Small islands are being removed, I would wonder how a mountain is removed, just become flat? It's pretty terrifying reading the book of revelations. It's just a little unimaginable at this point in our lives. We will see dragons with many heads and eyes and crowns on their heads. We will see angels singing and blowing trumpets in heaven, a terrible happening with each blown trumpet. And that is how it will happen, when the world has become wretched and filthy. It can come anytime, but that doesn't mean we would have to wait for it all our lives. Just love.

Floating

I had a really weird dream and yesterday I asked the pastor what it meant. He could not give me an exact answer, but he did tell me of a story which I understood what it meant but I can't see how that is possible, though nothing is impossible. I was talking to him in his car on the way to supper after his once a month church. Gabby, his golden retriever is in the car and the whole way he was licking me, my whole right arm was licked by him, he's so cute. That is why I love dogs so much, they can be so friendly and loyal, they are patient and listens to their masters. I should take a picture of him sometime in the future. Thank you god for creating such beautiful creatures. Oh I was talking to the pastor and he told me a parable and asked me a question that I did not think I would be asked by someone. He asked if I ever thought of becoming a servant of God. I've never thought about that but now that does creep into my mind.

God are you testing me or tempting me or showing me a way? Please let me know, please help me understand what I am doubting.

"God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way"
- Don Moen

Well now on to the second CD of Joseph Prince, I believe there will be some helpful stuffs from him.

Hills

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb"
- Nelson Mandela

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now but I know that an end is coming soon. A decision will have to be made. Sacrifices will be made, choices will be made and no regrets. We are all just waiting for something to happen soon. Just a piece of paper to arrive and things will start flowing again from there.

Joseph Prince keeps saying let go, don't do something, just stand there! While the world says don't just stand there, do something! Ironic but it does make sense to me and I understood what he meant. Just let God guide us, don't use too much logic when it comes to life. A dream is just a dream, as long as it does not become a reality then it is still just a dream. Psalms ... a very long chapter ... will take some time to read.

Thank you Joanna, where ever you are, for the comment regarding puppy mill puppies, yeah there is some good difference in just the price alone from pet shop to breeder. But here we don't really have any rescue groups, things are just not so developed when it comes to pets over on this part of the world.

Wait

Today my family pastor said that I'm the melancholy type, which means I'm often in a gloomy state of mind. I won't deny that as I know that sometimes I do dwell often in that state. Oh well ...

"How long are you willing to wait for the one you love?"
- Love in the time of cholera

How long would I wait ... it's such a simple question yet difficult to answer. Some people would not wait for long, some people give themselves time limits, while others may wait a really really long time not knowing if they would end up with the person they waited for so long. Once we decided we should not regret for we've made the choice. It took me seven years to get over the first one, I don't know how long it will take me to get over this one. It doesn't seem that things work out with the one in my heart, I don't understand ...



Today again I went to that pet shop and that black scottish terrier is still there, it was resting, he looked at me and I looked at him. His whole body is black like his eyes. He needs a good master, please God bring him to a good home. If the revelation of my decision is done and he is still there, I might take him home, and his name will be Sanji, a lover that gives his love freely without asking anything in return.

Corgi

Oh my...yesterday I just pleaded for a Corgi and today one appeared. Just when I thought I could make a decision I'm now hinted to reconsider. But it's a male, I want a female, a male is hard to toilet train cos they pee everywhere. But look at it, it's soooo cute. Although the more I look at it the more it looks like a fake photo cos the head does not look proportionate with the body.



Aaaar why does this keep happening??? Another crossroads, how come after about 4 months of waiting in vain now it finally comes, just when I thought I could make a decision already now the Corgi appears. It was only 2 days ago that I believed my choice was set and now I have to reconsider ... life ... is full of surprises.

Today is Valentine's, nothing special, went out with my brother and ended up sulking cos we pretty much didn't do anything except dinner and walk around. Wished I was there to give you flowers and go on a date with you, but well ... no chance for that this year. My parents went to some dinner where a person gave a testimony of the miracle of God. His face is totally disfigured after a plane accident, if you saw him you would thought you saw a zombie. But despite his appearance, his wife stayed on and supported him all these years, they even got onto The Oprah Winfrey Show once. You know that is love. Some people just know love, but they don't understand love.

Maybe this Corgi ... is my Valentine present.

"No matter the circumstance, after you gave love, accepted or not, don't grumble nor boast about it, for you gave it willingly"
- my heart

Cookie

This fortune cookie is the one on my facebook yet I've never actually pay attention to it until today. Two of my friends told me this same phrase today, how ironic. I still cannot decide I guess but I have to do it soon.

It doesn't seem that I could get over you, so I would just give up trying to forget cos the more I try the more it won't happen, feelings are exactly like that. But at least I got over that needy feeling. Bakery or Florist, you choose.

Wow my computer suddenly have 4GB of Christian songs cos a fellow church friend came and lent me his MP3 CDs. Oh I don't know what I'm typing, tomorrow's Valentine's ... sooooooo what? Ok ok I will admit to myself that I would be lonely, but nothing I can do about that, not like I can just ask any girl out like that. I would be happy if I can give flowers to a girl, but well no chance for that this year I guess.

Today I received my friend's wedding invitation, it's sooo nice, maybe it's the first time that I'm actually receiving a wedding invitation, that's why it's so nice and I feel really happy for my friend. I know she has went through a lot and it's good to know that she has made a decision. Now I have to make a decision.

It's strange that I keep waking up at around 4.30am these days, I don't understand, no matter what time I sleep I wake up at that time, am I supposed to do something at that time? Sometimes it's after a dream sometimes it's not, but I don't even remember the dream after that. But I only know one thing, that is I can't sleep after that.



I have like 30+ songs in my Ipod classical playlist, and these few days when I listen to it at night when I sleep, I don't last 3 songs before I'm off to dreamland. Let's see how many Christian songs I can last, but 4GBs of songs will take some time to put in. Oh well, one at a time as they say, I don't really know who 'they' are.

Today again I visited the pet shop, one black scottish terrier left, hope he finds a good master soon. There's also one white scottish terrier, she's energetic, likes to run around in the cage and she banged the glass wall, how cute, hope a good master gives her a home soon too. Arrr a corgi or a jack russel already please.

Just a dream

It seems that God didn't want to break my heart, instead he wanted me to realize myself that it was nothing but a dream. It's just a dream, it doesn't mean a thing. I knew from that day I saw you that I will never recover if ever I get my heart broken this time, and perhaps God heard me and helped me. I am to learn and understand my own self that it was just a passing moment. Just a hopeful moment for me. It was lovely and beautiful yet unfriendly and unalike. Yet I was hoping for too much. The end is still far and I was impatient. If indeed she is the one then she will be the one. No need to be impatient, jealous, hasty or angry about it. The salty patches will flow, it still hurts to realize that they were nothing but delusional hope. Maybe I was waiting for this day, for a time where these feelings will past, where they will finally let go of me and I can start anew. It just wasn't natural, such things are perhaps never meant to be. I won't know what I will think of when I wake up tomorrow but I know it will be good.

I think I was right in making this blog as a place for me to dump my feelings, else if I keep them all inside, one day I might just go crazy.

"Father touch my heart
Change my life to a brand new one
Like a pure gold
You mold my vessel of heart
Father teach me to understand
a love that always gives
Like a flowing water that will never stop"
- Father, Touch My Heart

Everytime I sing this song in church in Indo, the tears can't stop, it just keeps flowing and flowing. You can call me crazy and insane, but my feelings are real. Feels like years of accumulated pain are being released slowly. I'm sure I am not the only one tearing when singing this song cos I can hear many people sobbing and sniffing, just don't get to see them as I always sit right in front.



It was just a long moment, but it was nothing.

I am your angel

"No mountains too high, for you to climb
all you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray"

Another day and another strange dream, I was awake at 4am+ for no reason. Maybe I was just waiting for a message of goodwill, and I got it right after I went to the toilet in the morning. I'm just glad to know that you're all right.

"And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see ... "

When the sad feeling comes, I start to tell myself to not dwell in it for too long, it is fruitless and just a waste of feelings and time. What is done is done, I am only human, I cannot turn back time, I can only look forward and believe that things will be better.

"I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel"

Again the crybaby in me came out, why have I became so emotional these days, is something bad gonna happen? What am I looking for? What do I want? What am I here for? Why didn't I listen? Why why why ... Just shut up already and listen better next time.

"And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm here
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel"

Maybe I'm waiting for that special someone to find me before I can really move on, or perhaps it is marriage, but that sounds really weird. Things around me are changing but I feel my feelings are still stuck in a rut. Am I imprisoning myself? More self condemnation? But I believe that it won't be like this for long, even when current circumstances does not support but I have to believe it not because I am comforting myself, but because I believe it.

"I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything but you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way, let me show you a better day"

All I need is time, but have I taken too long? Reminds me of my grandma, she was very happy when we were all there playing dominoes with her, and she said that when the night comes she gets lonely cos she only lives with my grandpa and he refuses to move house to somewhere nearer to my aunt. Even though my grandma was a fierce parent to my parents, she is still a good person. And my grandpa although talks mostly about business and stuffs even when he has experienced stroke, he is still the same lovely grandpa for me. And I wish for them both to have long lives.

"And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see ..."

For when the day comes for us to meet again, I will not lose that chance again, I will be prepared, I will be the one you seek, the one that heals your sorrow, the one that supports you in times of need, the one that you'll talk to when you're down and the one that will understands you when noone else do.



"And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive"

Funny how I'm typing all these with my eyes closed while listening to some music. Guess I've been typing for a long long time that my fingers can already remember where the letters are. Of course sometimes I still make mistakes here and there. Maybe it seems that I should learn the piano.

"And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky ..."

It's been weeks and still no Corgi nor Jack Russels. Two of four scottish terriers are left in the pet shop. They're so cute, they broke the barrier to their neighbour the poms and played with them until the workers separated them, so sad. Is this a sign that I have to do what I need to do? I was telling myself that if any corgi or jack russels appears I will buy it and perhaps decided where I would be. It seems that perhaps that it is the sign that I have to make a decision soon.

"I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel"
- Celine Dion & R.Kelly : I'm your angel

Timing

It has been hurting for two days but today in church it was soothed. I went to church alone today, my parents and brother was kinda lazy to go, but well it's not that bad. I went not because I was not lazy, but because I felt that I needed to go. Strangely normally on a cold day like this I would be the laziest and hibernate, but today it was different, I wasn't the one hibernating. For some reason even though the state is probably the same, but it seems that outside forces are starting to come in and change things for the better.

Was it just not fated or was it just bad timing or a little of both? Neither of which really exist though. I wasn't listening, I wasn't dumb enough, I was being told yet I did not hear it in. Too many times we use our logical thoughts too much to no avail, yet when we listen carefully we are being told a lot. I still believe in that dream, but sometimes it just gets harder to have the faith to believe. When things are not looking good, I tend to lose faith and become gloomy. Last time I would dwell in it for some time, but seems now I move on from those feelings faster and think about the better stuffs to be happy about. But I still can't help it if I think about you day after day, it is an unconditional love from me to you.

"It's not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters"
- Mother Theresa

Ooooh Love

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all my possessions to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, the will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE."
- 1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Love love love, the bible cannot make it any clearer and I have no idea why my bookmark was on that page of the bible. If I have not loved, I am nothing and I gain nothing. But yet we are afraid to love, afraid to get hurt, afraid that it will end up in a broken heart. Love is patient and kind, for it does not envy nor boast. If we have a love that is jealous, like we cannot accept that the person we like likes someone else instead of us, that sounds more like lust as love is patient and does not envy. Who we choose to love is our own choice, however not everyone we fall for will like us. There will be times when we get rejected and feel dejected ... why do I suddenly write in rhymes...?



People should be honest about their feelings, that should lessen misunderstandings and missed chances. Of course most of the time when we're in love, we probably don't know what we should do half the time. We probably don't have to think too much about it, the more we think about it, the harder it becomes to be natural. Love is not about receiving, but about giving. We give our love willingly, not expecting anything in return. We do it because we love the other person, not because we want that person to show their love back. If your heart starts to feel that way, it gets so much easier to love someone unconditionally.



Giving love is such a beautiful thing, sometimes we need an excuse to show our love to someone, because we're not in tune with our hearts, our logical thinking is overwriting our emotional thoughts. If we think about bad stuffs related to love, we should overwrite them yes, but if our hearts think about good stuffs, why do we need to suppress them. If my heart feels like giving the love in my heart a present I would give it, without thinking whether she would do the same or not.

But how to keep a love that is unfated? I still have not the answer to that question. And to make it harder is the question if there is such a thing as fate. Fate is like something that we make, like life, fate is what we make of it. If we believe that bad things should happen before the good things come then it is fate. If we believe that it is fate then it is fate. We are what we believe.

Oh here I go again, typing ironies after ironies. We should not be shy of love, as it is the greatest of them all.

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Happy Chinese New Year everyone!!!

Self-comdemnation

"Self-condemnation also manifests itself with destructive effect in relationships. If you are in a wonderful relationship with somebody who really loves you and cares for you, you will inevitably do something that sabotages the relationship because something inside tells you that you do not deserve to be loved by this person"
- Joseph Prince

Many many times we're driven by guilt in the things we do, we believe we don't deserve this and that and in the end we really don't get them, even if we do we will find a lame excuse to feel that we do not deserve it. Things are as easy as accepting, I had something but I never once felt that I was blessed, most of the time was how could I have been blessed with something so wonderful when I feel guilty about my life. And that was how the sabotaging starts. But well things have changed now, things does turn for the better after having grace and peace in my heart, hmmmm that sentence is wrong. I received grace therefore I have peace in my heart.



Refuse to believe no more cos I believe now.

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"What did dad tells us about princesses?
That they find handsome princes to marry and you ain't no prince"
- August Rush

August Rush is a good movie, much like Nodame Cantabile, but just with a much younger genius. It'll be nice if all I do everyday is music, no need for anything else, just the love and passion for music drives me. However that is not for everyone.

"I love music, much more than food"
- August Rush

Fate

Fate is when after a long time of not seeing one another, we just meet and things hit off
Fate is when you break my heart but yet you're still in my heart
Fate is when we think we are so alike yet we aren't really alike
Fate is when you throw a ball and I catch it
Fate is when I look at you sleeping like a baby
Fate is when I run around looking for you for two hours but I couldn't find you
Fate is when I call you 26 times but not once did you pick up
Fate is when we nurse an egg of love and it hatches
Fate is when I'm the one that heals your sorrow
Fate is when I want to marry you and somehow it happens
Fate is when every moment spent with you feels like a miracle

"Fate ... is building a bridge of chance for someone you love"
- My Sassy Girl

Ironic and senseless, that is what I am.