Despair

Wow been ages since I last posted, not sure what I want to post also, kinda busy these days. Maybe I'm not in the mood for feelings at the moment, it seems that there are many things that I need to achieve first before thinking about them, I hope this concentration can last for a long time. Oh well I probably would not update much anymore but occasionally perhaps.

There is no way to defeat despair, all you can do is keep walking...

Enchanted

So close, so close...and still so far...
- Enchanted

I did not think that Enchanted was a part cartoon movie, but Disney really did well to make it a part cartoon part real movie, it's really nice. Trying to make us hope that fantasy do become reality well maybe they do, it does give you a nice feeling
to it. That song during the ballroom dance was really nice.

So Close

You're in my arms
And all the world is gone
The music playing on
For only two
So close together

And when I'm with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams must die
So I bid mine goodbye
And never knew
So close was waiting
Waiting here with you
And now, forever, I know
All that I want is to hold you
So close

So close to reaching
That famous happy ending
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Now you're beside me
And look how far we've come
So far
We are
So close...

Oh, how could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?

We're so close to reaching
That famous happy ending
Almost believing
This one's not pretend
Let's go on dreaming
Though we know we are
So close
So close, and still
So far...

A nice song, indeed very nice, one listen and I know it's a song to have. Makes you want to believe that there is such a thing as true love and meant to be which I am having difficulties believing at this point. Strange at how these things come when you need them. Oh well, it was a nice movie, a movie that can be watched over and over again like when we were kids. So far...we are...so close...

Thoughts

Last night I could not sleep, too much thoughts running in my mind. Thoughts about her mainly. Perhaps she is that kind of girl I'm afraid she would be, that I already realised a while ago, but just never wanted to believe. I guess I believe now. Haha, it's exactly the same as how I was chasing the one from 7 years ago. Guess I shouldnt expect a different ending. In the end, it's still the same.

Sigh, cleaning time, flush everything out of my heart, wipe the mess, bandage the scars, prepare it for something new and beautiful. For perhaps someone I have not met yet. Nothing can describe how I feel better than this picture.

Horizon

What's a person to do when all they can do is watch from afar?
- 200 Pounds Beauty

Only god can do everything, man can only do what he's capable of.
- 200 Pounds Beauty

Well I never expected this movie to be so in touch with my feelings. There were really some thoughtful questions brought up in the movie. Can't believe I have not watched this movie even though I bought the dvd like a year ago. I just happen to find it in the storage room when I was bored. Well it turned out to be a great movie, with many stuffs about life that can be learned from it, the good and the bad.

My results were good, not that I was worried about them, well I was kinda worried about biology but turns out my result was much much better than expected. Well gotta work hard for next semester too.

Today a pair of my friends failed the long distance test, I guess it really is hard. Takes both parties to commit to make it last. Too many times I have seen good relationships destroyed by long distance. Oh well I can only help cos I know how it feels.

"He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord"
- Proverbs 18:22

Pursuit of Happiness

Just finished watching Pursuit of Happiness, it got me thinking on a lot of matters. Like as mentioned in the movie, it was a phrase from Thomas Jefferson's declaration of independence which is Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And asking the same question as Will Smith's character, how did Thomas Jefferson figure out to put the word pursuit there.

Happiness is not something easily obtainable, it must be pursued, a lot of pain and suffering are involved, a lot of tears has to be shed and a lot of hurtful emotions that cannot be spoken out.

I've learnt a lot of things from this movie, things that I realised I've been doing that I shouldnt be doing. The qualities that I'm lacking, sometimes the stubbornness of myself. The movie was simple, it was just like any other movie, a man has a dream and at the end he got it. But this one the things that he went through to reach his dreams were so......indescribable.

There was this moment in the movie where Will Smith character's son told a story or a joke which was like this...

There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, the man on the boat asked "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and tried to help him, but the drowning man said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man asked God, "God, why didnt you save me?" and God said "I sent you two big boats you dummy!"

That was funny and well worth a thought.

This is a movie that can change people, a movie that can get people to thinking a lot. We would not understand how special being helped is if we have not gone through a lot of troubles. And how beautiful happiness is when we have not gone through a lot of suffering.

I think it is time that I let the you in me go. Even though I already knew from the start that it is not possible between us, but I still kept that feeling inside, protecting it like I was still hoping something good might come out of it. But now I have to let it go. To make room for something beautiful that may come into my life, to clean up the mess you left in my heart so that something new might come. After spending just a day with her, my heart tells me that I will not meet another person like her for a real long time, so it says, dont miss out on this one.

The crazy things I would do for the pursuit of happyness. I believe that I will appreciate it when I obtain it.

Constructive

Think it is best for me to occupy my time with more productive actions rather than degenerative thoughts. Gonna learn to play Yiruma's 27th May, tried just now and did pretty well, just need to write out the whole song first and try it on piano. A few stuffs I need to do here before I go back in New Year.

1.Learn to drive - finally, cos there were many reasons as to why I am not able to drive yet, but not important now.

2.Help my brother with the business cos I know more than him, so I can still help him.

3.Lose 10 kgs, yes 10kgs, cos I gained freaking 7kgs in 7 months.

4.Learn to play Yiruma's 27th May on piano

5.Finish reading Micahel Crichton's State of Fear novel

6.Finish reading The Law of Attraction in Action

7.Finish reading Bioscience Entrepreneurship in Asia

Seven things to do in less than 2 months, not impossible, 3-7 would be the hard part. Oh well I got time, better make good use of them and not think too much about degenerative and useless thoughts.

Cold Heart

Well back to my hometown, seems there are many changes here and there, but more like expansion for most. Seems like I might be busy this holiday.

I want to write something but not sure what to write, I'm probably in a confused state now, I mean my heart is. Maybe I should just stop doing all these stuffs and resign to being alone for the rest of my life, that would actually make my life easier. Why do I go and worry about someone that is careless with my heart...makes no sense, like the saying, love is blind, indeed it is.

Be cold I tell myself, none of them likes me for who I am, most probably for what I have. This is bad, I'm starting to not trust any girl. Maybe I should write what I look for in a girl.

1. Looks - well looks are of course important, if some guy say looks arent important then he is lying, but beauty depends on individual, every guy looks at different things. For me as long as she is pleasing, she passes the looks test, she does not have to be beautiful or anything, as long as she's pleasing to the eye.

2. Character - I like a girl that is fun to be with. Someone who is a little naughty and can make me laugh when I am sad or angry. Not the boring types, cos they are...boring. I like one that is creative, you know she knows how to surprise me with stuffs, doesnt have to be expensive gifts, hand made ones are worth more to me. It all depends on her heart I guess. And definitely not the type that has a lot of guy friends and gives out mixed signals and in the end makes the guy feel he got played around. These type are what I will grow to hate most.

3. Attitude - I prefer a girl with a positive attitude to life, someone who doesnt whine a lot. I mean she can whine of course, but not overdo it.

4. To me - of course in a relationship the other party must be good to me cos I know I will be good to her. There will be times where we might quarrel but as long as both of us can understand and prefer to not be quarrelsome, it should be good.

And again I have to stress that if a girl does not like a guy, please don't give strong signals of intention of liking, that would hurt the guy a lot. Girls that plays are trash. Just because they are pretty or beautiful does not give them the right to play guys around. Pathetic creatures.

Oh noes there is much hate in my post, better calm down. I'd better be cold to all girls, if they ever give me some hints of liking me, that is rubbish, no need to think too much about it. Oh God help me, I'm starting to lose trust in people again.

When love goes wrong, nothing goes right
- Love Guru

Even though Love Guru was a kinda lame movie, but well certain parts does make sense.

Seems like I've again reached that stage where I start to question myself just what I am doing wrong in life. I've done things differently this time, but why does the end seems still to be the same. At the end you start to think about the beginning...what an irony. Guess after all these I learn about who she is, there is no difference between her and the 7 years her. The main difference was that the 7 years one tried hard to not break my heart, while this her seems to try hard to break my heart. Aha those memories, might not be easy to erase, but well hopefully someone will come and help me with it in the future. And hopefully by that time, my heart is not closed yet.

Parting

Yesterday I went to watch "10 promises to my dog", it was a really nice movie. There were moments where I was laughing cos the dog was so cute and sometimes funny. And there were times where I kept tearing non stop cos it was really sad, I could feel my warm tears streaming down my cheeks, but in the end it was a great movie. Parting is always a hard part of life, but it is part of life.

For some people, they could not grasp and understand the feeling of parting, the feeling of something leaving you. The one thing that you took for granted just suddenly disappears from your life and you keep crying over it, that is parting. Perhaps age is a factor in some cases, the meaning of grow up doesnt apply physically, but more emotionally. When we grow up, we learn and experience more things, some happy, some sad, and that makes who we are.

10 Promises to my Dog

1. Please be patient with me
2. Trust me, I will always be by your side
3. Play with me a lot
4. Don't forget I have feelings too
5. Don't fight with me
6. When I disobey, I have my reasons
7. You have your friends, but I only have you as my friend
8. When I am old, please continue to be my friend
9. I only live about 10 years, so please cherish our every moment together
10.I will not forget the time we spend together, so when it is time for me to go, please be by my side.



Given the place that I am in, the things that I am doing, I'm starting to really feel that I'm getting old...

Date

It was a good one, but I really have no idea where it is leading me. It's like walking a path towards an unknown place. The heart is happy and sad at the same time. It is that confusing feeling that I don't like. Feels as if I stepped on a landmine but I can't blame anyone but myself for doing it. Without saying anything, I knew, that was most probably the first and last time. I think it's normal for people to take me for granted with the way I act, I have already understood that, but can't help wishing they would understand from my point of view.

Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. There are three things that last, faith, hope and love, and love is the greatest of these.
- A walk to remember

That was from the movie A Walk to Remember, I didnt quite expect the movie to turn out like that, it was really nice. While that phrase about love was being read in the movie, I remember it is from the Bible, cos I've read that part before, the one in the Bible is much longer.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does no boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"And now these three remains : faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
- 1 Corinthians 13:13

I think at the age that I am in, I am starting to understand the way things work, why people say that happiness is the hardest to achieve.

"Happiness depends upon ourselves"
- Aristotle

It wasnt easy even for a guy like me to act the way I did on that day, but I must admit she did help a lot. I became much more natural after some time and we could act the way we did. Let's just say perhaps we've broken another barrier. Even though I keep saying she looks like the girl I liked for seven years, but in reality, I like her because she is the way she is, not because she looks like someone else. I have asked myself that question many many times and the answer seems to appear the same.

"Take a risk. Dare to move. Love is a leap of faith"
"Love is like the wind, I can't see it, but I can feel it"
- A Walk to Remember

The road is still long, there are still way too many possibilities in our lives. Whatever that happened, we have to learn from it and understand more about this existence we're in and grow from one lesson to the next.

When we grow up, the more of nothing we will get
When we grow up, the more things we are not able to do
When we grow up, the more questions were are not able to answer
When we grow up, the more time there will be where noone takes care of us
When we grow up, the more we love without reason
After we grow up, there are a lot of nothingness obtained
But the one that makes people grow up are all these nothingness.
- Bull Fighting Episode 12

Calpis

Yesterday I had a dream, it was a very sweet one, though I can't remember her face now, but I still remember how I was holding her hand and we were walking. I hope one day that dream would come true, it was a really nice one.

Water Bottle

The next time I think of her I must

remember how frustrated I felt trying to just get her to pick up the phone
remember how anxious I felt just waiting for one simple sms from her
remember how hurt I felt knowing she was just only playing me around
remember how she said she felt normal when I told her I like her
remember all the stupid things I wanted to do for her

And when I remember them, I will remember to tell myself to
remember to forget her.

Tea Tree Oil

I'm not sure if this is the beginning of something new or the end of something bad...it's like in between like always, the beginning and the end is never clear. But one good thing, I feel so much more glad it's out of me. You know like finally letting go of something that is bothering you, finally I understood why she is the way she is, the way she treats me and etc, because she is just like that...yet again my own fault for liking her, nothing much to pursue there. Maybe I'm just not smart enough to differentiate between someone liking me and someone that just wanna be friends with me. I guess the next time she ever does something nice for me I would just not read too much into it, it's probably just nothing.

Thank you God for making me understand, I can see myself growing older mentally and emotionally, if this happened a few years back I would probably act in a childish way, but well, people do grow up I guess.

The person in my dreams has turned into a shadow again, I lost her face again, wonder when will it come back. It kinda makes me more happy when I can see her face, but now it has turned all black like a shadow, waiting for someone to fill the empty void. Oh well time to look again, like I've always said, if it was meant to be then it will work out.

Just watched "Secret" for dunno the how manyeth times with some friends. Everytime I'm sad and I watch that movie it just makes me happier, not sure where but that movie always give me a good feeling, a feeling that there is something out there worth waiting for. Kinda something that gives me strength to carry on.

Sometimes after some events like this, the emotional state needs some rest, it's like your heart has been happy for some time and just suddenly everything comes crashing down, it would be time to take a rest and rebuild again later.

You know for this one this time, the feeling was kinda different from any of the previous ones even though what happened was pretty much the same. The feeling was like...more carefree...more liking...more natural I would say. I liked it and I like her, but well, all good things comes to an end I guess. I'm not sad that it ended, but kinda happy cos it happened...haha...bs I would say if this happened years ago...once again, someone has grown up.

Time to sleep, should be a good one as my heart isnt in a confused state.

Vexed

Aaaaar I cant sleep, something is bothering me so much and my heart is crying, I dont understand, dont tell me all the things that happened so far are just lies. I'm not happy, my heart is not happy. If all the things that happened were nothing more than lies, then I give up, I've had enough. Nothing is different, the ending is always the same., will this one be the same? I feel like vomiting. Sigh only three hours of sleep. AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Yiruma

What is she trying to do? Play me around? Some part of me feels she's the one, some part of me feels I'm being played around. It's like that familiar feeling of being rejected coming before anything happened. It is bad...oh my life, I'm being positive by doing all I can in possible relationships but alas, it is a two way train, one way traffic is just bad, and I had enough of it, no more, no more...no more... This will be the last try, after that, no more. enough is enough.

Today went futsal, sooo tiring cos it was kinda non stop. I need sleep...zzz

Butter Fish

Woo finally got time to make some posts, but I dont know what to post...haha. Well things are developing, which is good, I wanna give her a surprise. Wonder what I should buy...hmm

The you in this blog will have to change soon, not you anymore, but her. But that will be done when it is confirmed.

Ok short for now, I need some rest. Will post more as things develop.

Ribena

Hmm been long since I last posted, been busy and will be busier for the next two weeks. Results so far were good, not that I was expecting anything bad. Went for Drum and Piano class today, did pretty well for drums, but I'm playing mostly on feel and not by reading the music sheet. Next year when I come back after holidays I will start on drum lessons for grading, woo I wanna become a professional drummer.

Hmm yea I think I've found her, things are developing, though not fast as we're both kinda in the busy period these days. Oh well I believe good things are waiting for us.

"An honest answer is like a kiss to the lips"
Proverbs 24:26

Again nothing much to write as I didn't take the time to think too much. Oh yea one funny thing from the Love Guru movie. Bible spells this...

B.asic
I.nstructions
B.efore
L.eaving
E.arth

haha funny movie, just don't take the jokes too seriously.

Sick

Fever, cough, runny nose, you name it. All in one package, maybe it's the weather change like most people say. Anyway I'm not tooo sad about it, cos some nice person has been chatting with me every night these past few days or a week or more already. Makes me happy, hope she doesn't reject me again the next time I ask her out, which would be soon I think.

All this sickness is making my hormones weird, pimples are coming out of my face, hope I get better soon.

Nothing much to blog about these few days, busy with school, exams and stuffs and lots of lab reports. And remember to carry a smile everywhere, it works wonders.

Oh noes

First she flew me aeroplane(cancelled last minute), then now she's playing hard to get, oh noes, this isn't helping. Guess I don't like it when they do that or maybe I'm thinking too much. What I like being with her is perhaps I can be myself, previously when with others I just cant seem to be myself, I find that hard to be myself, but with her, it all seems natural, maybe that's why I like her so much. But well I don't really know if she likes me or not, starting to feel that she's not gonna make it easy. And I'm the one being the blunt one, saying flowery stuffs straight up, maybe I might have scared her off perhaps. Oh please God don't make me get a heartbreak from this one, I do have a good feeling about her and I still believe I have found her.

Hmm maybe I should only say I've found her after I got her, no use saying finding and yet not getting. Oh well there are other possibilities, I really don't know how things will turn out but I know I don't wanna waste too much time on someone who would probably end up playing me. This heart of mine has probably gotten wary, don't know if it's good or not.

Repeated

Well, it is repeated yet again, wonder when this cycle ends. The last time this happened, I got a big heartbreak, so I'm starting to get skeptical now. It still hurts on my side, again time to look around.

Oh drum lessons now, seems I have not lost my touch yet. Should be good. So tired, sleepz.

I know

I know that God is looking out for me. For he has helped me and helping me in my troubled times. The things I go through is the best evidence that God is helping me a lot in my personal life.

Today's church session was very different from what it used to be normally. Maybe cos most of those attending just finished a 3 day 2 night church camp and were still very into it. The whole atmosphere was very different, i can sense that people were tired yet when they sing they gave their all, they jumped around, prayed a lot and I could sense the sincerity in them. It was definitely a very different experience from normally. To those first time attending or not used to seeing people jumping around in church might mistook it as some rock concert. Guess people just need to get used to it, most leave cos they just cannot understand how people can jump around for God, well I guess it's a personal thing. There is no rule that says you must jump around when singing to please God, it's just a personal thing, you jump because you jump for God.

I am starting to slowly see the difference God has made in my life, the changes that are happening. And I'm starting to realise that whatever that has happened happened for a reason. Sometimes we would never understand why things are the way they are until we reach the future and look back.
Last week someone in my lab group told me to smile more cos I look like I'm angry at something if I dont smile, haha, I wasnt angry at anything and guess that person is right, I should smile more, and I felt that when I smile more, good things seems to happen more often. :D

Are you the one I have been looking for so long?

Trip

Today I went to Genting with my friends to have fun, take some rides in the theme park and throw some ice in snow world. There I felt something, my heart was tingling, I don't know if she's the one or not, but there were little hints here and there. I did think about it last semester but just never in that way. But that was the important part, my heart was tingling, normally it's dead cos it can only think about one person at any time. Maybe I am over you already.

It was a fun and very tiring day, I need some rest.

Flowers

Today I remembered something a friend said about me about almost a year ago, strange that I remembered it today. He knows what I went through that the things that happened to me and yet he said that I'm a pretty positive person. Now that is an irony, last time for much of the time I was sad and depressed, so how can I be described as being positive. But the truth is that even after all of those things, I am still here and still getting myself broken over and over again, but I'm still here. There was a day not too long ago, less than a year, the whole day I was in bed, thinking of only one thing, to end it or not. I guess God must have prepared something great for me that I am no longer thinking of that and going for what I believe in. Looking back I felt so foolish.

So now I guess I'll have to start yet again from scratch, you are no longer in the face I see, I have lost your face in the person I want to find. I know the feeling is still there, but I also know that as time goes by, as new things come, one day the memories of you will be replaced with the new ones. Funny how I can get hooked on things that never happened.

I know you are out there somewhere, the flower of my life. We may not have met yet or maybe we already had, but one day our paths will cross. I know someday I will find you, and that day you will find me too. I should be more bold, I guess it doesnt matter how many times I get myself broken because I know that when one day I finally found you, it was all very very worth it.

Why am I.......what are these tears......

You know...

You dont have to like me...

Yesterday went to Ikea to furnish my room, and there I realised that there is a lot I need to do while I'm here, I totally forgot about it. Now I remember...

Results were great, not that I was expecting anything bad. Oh Don't feel like writng much currently. Trying to finish "Flowers for my life", some korean drama, pretty funny.

Bullshiiiieeeeet

Buuuullllshiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeet

It's time to look at what's around me cos that is more important, the past is past, the future is unknown, and you are probably only playing me. So it's bullshiet. You have what I gave you, so if you wanna ask me to do anything just use it. My world has to be bigger than this, I will get the future I want, success is what will come naturally for me.

My mum doesnt like you, your mum doesnt like me, so what's the point in letting us meet in the first place, it's like they just like to play such lame stuffs, dont they have other better stuffs to do? Pathetic people, I hope they are happy with their actions.

So all in all, bullshieeet, time to look around.

Oh Hebe I love you!!!

Garlic

Guess I calmed down a lot already, being rejected no matter in what form still hurts even though I'm probably "used" to it, what a sad and pathetic way to describe myself. The sick part is I keep getting reminded of that moment where I believed you are the one. Feels like I'm becoming Harvey Dent, like the devil is playing me all along until I lose my mind and create chaos. I ask myself why am I doing the things I do and my answer is a disastrous and simple I love you. I'm probably resigned to always be giving in exchange for nothing in return. I want to hate you but that love is too much and overrides everything else. When I felt that the trip was all but a waste, again that moment came up, making me believe that just for that one moment, it was all worth it, even though the end wasn't good.

I better get myself in the right frame of mind before the new semester begins next week. Don't want to be chugging this sad emotions along, it's bad for health and who knows what would have happened if I were able to not be bothered by this feelings.

I shall turn to my idol in my heart, she seems to be able to soothe my heart when in need. Then again I once hear that idols are for lonely and useless people, for them to dream about what is impossible and just looking for acceptance in their own dream world. Oh well who cares, so long they dont go around hurting people, they are allowed to dream about.


Love Hebe, funny how I have the same birthday as her. Makes me feel like there's a special connection with her, then again many people has the same birthday as me but I just don't know who. Well it just makes me feel special, nothing bad about that.

Dreams

STOP giving me dreams of you when I want to let you go, last night again I get dreams of you. Maybe I should start thinking of others, that should help. This is plain pathetic. I need an outlet for hugs and to cry on right now.

Remember to Forget

When I saw you yesterday after like 8 months, my heart says this is my wife, but reality is totally different, I'm finding it hard to believe that follow your heart phrase, makes me so foolish. I feel played by you, I feel that I'm being too nice and I feel that I'm ready to waste another 7 years waiting for something that might never even happen. I can feel you laughing over there saying things like this guy is so easy to control. Like always I find myself trapped in such meaningless thoughts in my mind. You probably don't even care about how I feel anyway, I am in the end just another one of those guys to you. So are you my wife, I can hear a You Wish!

So remember to forget, for you are just another shadow in the crowd, for you are just a coincidental meeting, there are no meaning to it, I dont have to look for meanings in everything I want to believe in, cos most of the time there are not there. People cannot decide who they fall in love with, but they can decide when to give it up or not. Maybe I still love you a lot, but I will not touch this memory anymore. And no I shall not have dreams of you anymore, everytime I want to let go of you I dream of you, why am I the only one getting it? It should be a mutual thing isnt it? You should get it too if we're meant to be. So I guess it still ends up to be a one sided thing again... like always, nothing new there. I still have a lifetime I can use to forget you, I will remember to forget you.

This feeling is just making me sick, I love you so much and this unrequited love is making me sick, I need some rest. Remember to forget, I will remind myself.

It does hurt

Since yesterday my heart has been hurting, I don't know if it was physically or emotionally, but it's not in a good state. The sad and depressive mood is coming back, and I'm trying to stop that. I guess even though at times you can be prepared for something but when it really happens the feeling is totally different. I guess it was never meant to be then. I learnt something from all this, that is not all dreams come true, they do come true, but not all of them. Guess it isnt easy when we have parents involved in such matters.

I laugh at my whole predicament, going after doesnt work, arranged marriages doesnt work, what's more? Seems like I'm just not meant for these things.

Most probably going to Sg tomorrow, but seems like there is no need to meet you. It just felt redundant and I know it might leave more scars in my heart. I dont want to be a scar collector.

Mood is not good.

Carrot

"It is not how much we do, but how much love we put in the doing.
It is not how much we give, but how much love we put in the giving"
Mother Theresa

Was browsing in a bookstore today and found an interesting book, was reading it for a while and came upon this interesting phrase, so I used my mobile and took a picture of it.

"Do you really want to look back on your life and see how wonderful it could have been had you not been afraid to live it?"
Caroline Myss

Afraid to live my life ... seems like a distant thing for me, seems like I'm already over that part, now I am trying to get the most out of the remaining of my life, I've wasted a good few years wallowing in terrible depression, those days are over. I believe my life will only get better from here on. I've found the violin sheet for Tong Hua by Guang Liang, will take a few months to play it properly, at least I'm able to play a song just by looking at the sheet which is a good improvement from nothing. Piano's doing well also, one song completed, and Canon in C is doing ok so far, just the notes are a bit weird, will ask my piano teacher when I get to see her again in maybe 3 weeks.

2 papers done, 2 more to go, well by this stage I feel that exams are not something to be feared. I've already grown past that stage of being lazy and always finding excuses to not study and stuffs, those days are long gone but I keep seeing them in my friends. I want to tell them about my experiences but I realised that people have to go through them to grow out of them, just like me.

Why is this post titled carrot? I have no idea, then again like most things in this world, it does not have to make sense. Who is the you that you wrote? God?

Things that prevent success

1. Fear of failing - You want to win, but you're afraid you might fail, so you hold back.

2. Past hurt that blocks passion - You carry around old pain, and you cannot feel your energy to pursue something new.

3. Discouragement from the past - You've been put down or lost before, and you feel beaten before you start, so your whole heart is not available to you.

4. Mixed motives - You want the goal, but you want it for another reason besides the goal itself, so your heart is not really in the pursuit, but in it for the money, acclaim, status, or something else that is not pure.

5. Conflict over the goal itself - You want it, but you want something else too, or you want it and don't want it at the same time.

6. Shackled by someone else's control - You want your goal, but you are pulled away because someone else has control over your time and energy too.

7. Feelings of inadequacy - Your lack of confidence in yourself causes so much doubt that you cannot move forward wholeheartedly.

8. Incompatible wishes - You want two things at the same time that are incompatible, eg. You want to be married and have a family, and you want ultimate freedom and control over your time and life.

9. Undefined passions - You have never found your real passion that would cause you to work wholeheartedly for it.
The Secret things of God - Henry Cloud

I am in the stage of opening my mind and my heart to the many other possibilities in my life. A closed mind and heart would make me blind or oblivious to the happenings around me that I'm supposed to see.

I'm losing my fight to lose weight, well I wasn't even fighting...oh well...what matters is the heart right? WRONG, people now are so material, obviously they mind seeing overweight people, so when someone tell me I look ok I don't feel good at all cos I know I am not ok.

Oh I thought about a nice story.

You were once a girl without dreams, a girl that can only see whatever's right in front of you. I came along, I told you stories about the world, about how big it is and about my dreams, but you said you are unable to dream about them then.
A few months later, you start to work, you start to see how the world is. You start to be successful in the things you do, you start to have bigger dreams, you meet more people and your life becomes more and more interesting. When you finally reach that place of your dreams, you look back and see the sea of familiar faces you seen throughout your journey. You see them all and smile, not noticing that someone was missing. The person that gave you dreams went missing because he was forgotten, I was forgotten...

Ok a not sooo nice story, but not too bad nonetheless.

Learn to say No

If you know something is bad for you and you know it will hurt you, learn to say NO. Why despite knowing that it would hurt you bad you still go for it, just plain asking to get hurt. Misguided by the foolishness of wishful thinking. Learn to erase that needy feeling for getting hurt. It is a very bad case of addiction, addicted to getting hurt, erase that and learn to say NO.

Had a bad sleep last night, woke up at 5am and couldnt sleep, dunno what I was thinking about then had a dream after that. A weird dream, like a movie but a mixture, like hellboy crosses with the dark knight. But the faces I see are those people that I know here, not any old faces, not the faces I used to see in my dreams, but the faces of those people around me at this moment in life. I believe it means look around you, stop thinking and dreaming about the past or the future, what matters are whats around me now.



Quill, a touching movie about the life of a guide dog. That's why I love dogs so much, when you need someone to talk to, they're always ready to listen and always accept you as you are. They're there to lick away your tears and pain, I hope I can get my Kyubi for a weekend when I move to apartment next semester. This is Kyubi.



And Adam said: "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here, and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you shall call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and Eve and loved them.

And Adam was comforted.

And God was pleased.

And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

Drain the wounds

Nope no dreams of you, that is good. But instead for today and yesterday I get a flashback of my emotional life so far, everything is coming back at me, and I mean everything. One after the other turning up on me in one form or another. Though it isnt a bad thing, but it's like digging old wounds. And then I realised that my old wounds were not drained, they are still there and not healed yet, especially the major one. I havent seen nor talk to her in like 5 years, just seeing her picture brings back all the memories, all of them come flooding in. It is time to clean up that wound and let it heal properly or else it would turn into something nasty. Same goes for the rest, time to drain my heart and prepare it for perhaps something new and good. I believe that the run of bad events are ending and good ones will be coming from now.

To those that have been involved in my life, doesn't matter if you have hurted me or I have done the same to you, all I want is for you to be happy, and that is what I always wish for for my birthdays. I never wished for someone to be mine, but it's always for that someone to be happy. Stupid and foolish, but that's what my heart wants.

Letting it go

I think it is time to let it all go, the things I hear about you is just too much. I don't even know what is true and what is not anymore. I know God has prepared my heart for this day to come so that when it happens, it would just be a passing thing, nothing worth to cry about. What makes me sad was that it ended up just as a dream. Sigh I think I'm not made for these stuffs. The ending seems to always be the same, makes it so predictable. I don't know, seems everytime I make such a resolution I tend to dream of you at night, well we'll see.

Ok so I watched The Mummy 3 yesterday, apparently I feel cos I watched the Dark Knight previously, this movie lost it's wowness, it wasnt as WOW as the Dark Knight. It wasn't a bad movie, but maybe cos Batman was so wow, I'm expecting too much out of Mummy 3.

My eye has started twitching again inconsistently, like once in a while, I don't know why also but of well, not something important.

"Don't confuse foolishness with faith"
Henry Cloud : The Secret Things of God

Yea so at this moment I feel foolish.

A straight line

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding
In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight"
Proverbs 3:5-6

Life in a way is not a straight line, if it was then it would be boring. A life where everything has been predetermined is not fun, it's like living everyday like a robot. We should try to learn to be happy and enjoy life as it is, accept whatever that comes, don't chase whatever that goes. Sometimes we will ask ourselves questions like what's the point in me doing this or that or what for? Most of the time we probably don't know the choices we make. But perhaps we were just following our hearts, sometimes it leads to painful results, but in the end everything is always good. Time heals all wounds, but there are some scars that tend to stay. But as long as the bitterness does not stay, then everything will end up fine as bitterness will breed other sorrowful thoughts and feelings.

Another random post in this boring times before finals.

Today I watched The Dark Knight for the second time, and wow the whole story still impressed me, Heath Ledger's acting still leaves a deep memory in me, his psycho behaviour and thoughts reminds of myself when I was undergoing depression. Well although I don't go around bombing and shooting people but well maybe I was close to that level of insanity. Thinking back it now seems that I just woke up from a very bad dream, a nightmare, if I relate those events to others they might think I'm crazy. But God has helped me to get through those dark times and now a new me is reborn. Now I can feel that I have the energy and strength to do things I could never do last time, achieve things that I never thought I could. His powers are truly awesome. When laziness try to strike me down, I remember his strength and his promise and that renews my energy.

"Many are the plans in a man's heart
but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails"
Proverbs 19:21

Trashed

After not playing for a long time today i played iGo again and got trashed ;(. Firstly was my rank jumped from 30k when I last saw to 17k today, and I met a 16k opponent, naturally I felt intimidated. He could read further than me, many times I got tricked by him and subsequently I started to get careless. I played black and lost by a lot...



Hmm okay my eye stopped twitching today, that is good. This week would be a boring one, the week before the storm, or finals. I wish I could go watch some movies before the exams, but seems that most of my friends are already busy with other stuffs, hopefully some people would be bored enough to spend some time with me catching up to the movies I failed to watch.

Bird

Once there was a bird, it flew in the great big sky, it flew to the highest mountains, it crossed the biggest ocean, it soared up among the clouds, it saw how beautiful the world is. Everyday it flew and flew, seeing all the things in the great big world. One day it thought, I see all these great sights yet it is for me only. How I wish I could share it with some other bird. So the bird went to tell everyone else about the great sights it sees. It told the elephant but the elephant complained it cannot fly. The bird then told the duck but the ducks says they prefer to see what's under water. Then it told the cat but the cat says that if it could fly the cat would chase all the birds in the sky. Feeling down and depressed, the bird approached a beautiful girl and told her it's story. The beautiful girl was intrigued by the bird's story and suddenly spread her white wings and flew. She asked the bird to show her all the beautiful sights the bird has seen. And so the bird flew and flew with the girl. The bird showed the girl all the great sights and experienced it has seen and felt. After showing it all, the girl felt very happy and thanked the bird for the experience. She then went to a guy who calls her an angel and showed him all the wonderful things the bird showed, leaving the bird alone...

It was a bird, she was an angel, what did you expect???

That was a random story I made up cos I got kinda bored after applying some painful black liquid on my ulcers.

Eye still twitching for I don't know what reason. Violin class was all right, I can play the notes just by looking at the music sheet, but the quality of sound produced is still to be desired. Need more practise always. Piano's doing better, I can play the whole Kekasih Sejati song already, but not soo smooth yet, again need practise. Next song on piano is Canon in C, in C not in D cos C is easier haha.

"Shout to the lord all the earth let us sing
Power and majesty praise to the king
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of your name
I sing for joy at the work of Your hands
Forever I'll love you forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in you"
Don Moen - Shout to the Lord

Ulcers

These ulcers are getting bad, my whole body is reacting to it. Seems I would get a fever soon, my body has not been feeling good the whole day. Hope I get better soon.

Ah how wonderful it is to be young, though I can probably slip in as being an 18 year old, but well I know my age better. When I see how my current friends deal with their problems, it takes me back. I guess growing up does have it's advantages. You don't have to bother about many things that seems important when you were younger. How I wish I could help them, but well it wouldnt be fun for them if they doesnt go through their problems themselves. And moreover, they'll probably think of me as some weird old guy.

My eye has been twitching for the past 4 days, I wonder who's thinking of me. Relationships, when I see these kids liking each other I can't help thinking what's the point or maybe I am already too old. At this stage, when I look at girls, I'm probably looking at their possibility of being a wife quality, not a girlfriend. I'm not at the age of looking for girlfriends anymore. Someone blessed by god made a prophecy about me, that I will be on the road to marriage with someone within three years, and that is probably when I graduate. Well three years is a long time, hard to say who will be the one.

Head's spinning, time to rest.

I believe I believe I believe

"Lonely the path you have chosen
A restless road, no turning back
One day you will find your light again
Don't you know
Don't let go
Be strong"

Internet here has been terrible, down for a whole day on Monday, finally back up but on and off like always, can't wait to move end of next month. Been bad physically, having mouth ulcers in three areas, painful, makes eating and sleeping harder. So have to use the painful liquid that stings me when I put on my ulcers, but well they don't feel a thing after that, which is good. Short term pain for some good sleep.

"Follow your heart
Let your love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe I believe I believe in you"

Just when I thought I should forget about what I believe, forget about my dreams, this song kept coming out over and over again. Is it a hint for me? Unconsciously I keep playing this song over and over again myself. Follow your heart, follow your dreams, believe... how ironic. Though it did make me feel better in heart, more at peace.

"Follow your dreams
Be yourself be an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you cannot do
I believe I believe I believe in you"

I'm still in love with you but it seems that as time goes by it gets harder and harder to keep that feeling. So some time to refresh it isnt bad right? I hope the times spent with you from now on would be good and not as bad as last time. I've had problems in the past, hope they don't resurface anymore. I know you're busy, but sometimes it gives me the feeling that you don't want to meet me, makes me feel unwanted at times.

Even though it may be hard at times, but I believe in us, cos you're the one in my heart and my dreams, and so I will follow them.

"Someday I'll find you
Someday you'll find me too
And when I hold you close
I know that it's true"
IL Divo & Celine Dion - I believe in you

Bitter

Today I've come to a realisation, what is the point in me living each day in this illusion. Believing in a dream that is only sweet and nice in the dream but bitter in reality. It hurts, what's the difference in this one and the last one? In the end the result seems the same. In the end it is still a broken heart. I have to find a new reason, a new reason to be able to live each day happily. A way to forget the unneeded, a way to let go of what I don't have, a place to bury my wishes and a place to lock my dreams.

You always wish me that my wishes would come true, but what if you are a part of the wishes I've made. Would you still want them to come true? I'm starting to lose faith, starting to find it hard to believe in my dreams, starting to doubt my wishes. Because in the end it could be just nothing more than a dream...

Taro Hakase, To Love You More, next song to learn on violin, but gonna be hard to find the music sheet. Hope I can find it one day.

Practice makes better

One assignment done, another assignment and another mid term to go, one presentation to end it all and prepare for finals in one month. Time flies so fast. Been watching Taro Hakase's violin performances, and wow he's really good. Must practice more, just now went to practice piano and found that I was able to play broken chords already, though just maybe a quarter of the song, but it was a good improvement, step by step. Hmm what song should I learn to play next, hope I can hear one that makes me go wow I wanna learn this song.

Heard you will be busy when I go there, oh well, it seems like it always happen that way. Just when I thought I could spend more time with you, things always happen that cut it short, oh well.

Went for a run in the gym today after so long, the place reeks of sweat and smell, oh well lots of smell. A lot of Africans and Middle Easterns pumping iron, just going in there makes you sweat a lot haha. I found that my stamina is still good, able to keep running non stop for about 10mins, gonna try 15mins next time. Again step by step.

Worried

I don't know what this feeling is about, I'm feeling worried and scared, is it because there's 2 assignments due next week and a mid semester exam also or is it the upcoming finals in a months time, or meeting you in a months time. I don't know which is making me feel so nervous, making me feel that i don't like myself, feels like I have to change something from myself. This insecure feeling, afraid of the unknown. I shall pray more. You know, with us being separated so far apart, I shouldn't wish for too much cos anything can happen and I am so afraid of it. When if that day comes, just thinking of it makes me so sad, makes my heart nervous, gets me a fever. If that day ever comes, I hope God has already helped me with it, because I know it will be the most torrid time of my life. I'll just pray that it won't happen.

On to other stuffs, I can play Kekasih Sejati on piano reasonably well already with single chords so far, but my teacher is going further and expecting me to play with broken chords which is making it really really hard for me. My violin bowing is improving but still making mistakes here and there, takes more practise.

"I wanna call the stars
down from the sky
I wanna live a day
that never dies
I wanna change the world
only for you
All the impossible
I wanna do"
Westlife & Diana Ross : When you tell me that you love me

Wish

2 more assignments, 1 more mid term exam and finals soon. Time do fly fast, I believe I did pretty well so far for my test and exams. My piano and violin are lagging behind cos I haven't been practising much with the mid terms. But this week should be good, have to start practising can can and jingle bells on violin, will take some time.

I remember some times last week I had a bad feeling, I dont know if that was jealousy or something else, it just didnt feel good, but it was over after just a day. I'm happy that I can finally get over such stuffs much faster that I used too, last time it would take me days or weeks to be in a not sad state, or maybe last time it was more sad days than happy days. Now things has changed much for the better, which is good.

Today for most of the day I was thinking of you, how I wish that we can meet more often, we havent seen each other for like 7 months. Well I guess it isnt time for us to meet. Today a friend had a birthday and he's the same age as me, but from looks he looks so much older than me, or maybe I still look childish. Guess I should thank God for making me still look young at this age or maybe it's for a reason hmm...nmind.

Just need more practise and I can be proficient in playing Kekasih Sejati on piano, and then next one i want to learn Pachelbel canon on piano, should take a while. I don't know how others feel, but maybe it seems that I'm overdoing things, like taking lessons for musical instruments on top of the already not so easy semester curriculum. Well for me I don't think that it's heavy for me, I am still managing them pretty well, I guess the difference is in attitudes and time management. Sometimes it does get hard especially when we have to battle laziness, I believe I can control that part already and move on when laziness try to strike me down.

I wish that I can meet you soon and have a sweet dream of you tonight and you to have a nice dream of whatever that will make me better in your heart, hehe.

Today one year

Today is exactly one year since we first met, feels just like yesterday. I did not expect anything to happen cos it's probably just my side of wanting things. Today might be just another normal day for you, but I don't know if intentional or not, you came on and we chatted. It was a nice chat, flowing nicely and all, I loved it. Well I did not expect anything and yet something happened. Again I thank God for it, and for all the good things that happened to me. I got full marks for one quiz, second highest for another and one of my mid semester exams got pretty good marks. But the going will get tougher, 2 more assignments and 2 more mid semester exams. But I believe I will manage. And my piano teacher has written the notes for the song I want, Monita's Kekasih Sejati, hope I can learn that within a few months. Oh and, I need to start eating less to cut down my weight. Hmm it's a very nice day today, I hope you will enjoy it too. The night wind is nice, everything seems beautiful, ah I'm in love I guess, haha.

Ten times better

After recovering from the sickness I feel sooo much better. Just a bit of cough left, but not too bad. Negative feelings are gone, and good positive ones are around. Feels like this sickness was some kind of hint to me, sadness and pain at first, then ends with happiness and a feeling of peace, well maybe I'm taking it in a too positive way. But at this stage it doesnt matter, feels like I've fallen in love with you more.

Bought a water bottle over the weekend and I'm drinking more water and of course peeing more. For the past few weeks I realised that I'm not drinking enough water, I'm scared of getting stones in my bladder or kidney, so I have to drink more. Well my body indeed feels better with more water drunk, of course not in excess. So far now can only take in like 3-5 liters a day, 8 glasses should be around 6 liters, so well about 5 liters a day is actually pretty good. But well that makes me go to the toilet very often, oh well not like I'm traveling.

Arrr playing the piano chords is giving me a headache. Cos I am practicing this song that changes chords 6 times, like all the chords. And my teacher also wants me to learn to play in Waltz after that. Oh well still got another week before lesson starts again. And I have to start practicing the violin soon too. At least the violin's not that hard yet, still able to keep up. The problem is only with the bowing which I need more practice...well it all is about practice.

Hmm next week 2 quiz and another assignment still yet to do, have to quickly finish so that I can make spare time as mid terms are in 2 weeks. Will be a busy week starting next week.

Three years, not long yet not short, many things can happen yet nothing might happen. Oh well, just gotta have faith.

Fever

Last night I couldn't sleep well, I was thinking of you the whole night, I kept tossing and turning, I listened to my ipod and still I can't get you out of my head. Not enough sleep gives me a tired body which on a rainy day like today brings me bad health and thus now I'm having a fever. Together with the fever brings sad feelings and depression symptoms. But I don't think I'm going that way again.

Few days ago I dreamt of you, it was so clear, it was definitely you. Is it because I really miss you that it is manifesting in my dreams? The whole day today it was you you you in my head and heart. Fever now, taken 2 panadol tablets and hope I can be well and happy again tomorrow. I'm actually starting to listen and sing to really sad songs at this stage, somehow trying to force myself to cry the pain out. But well it didn't work out.

I really dont know how things will turn out between us, but these dreams should mean something. I wonder if I dream of you, do you dream of me too? When I think of you, do you think of me too? In my life so far I dont think that happens, most of the time it is one way love, maybe I'm just hoping for too much. But those dreams I get, it's like God telling me to have more faith, I probably won't know what will happen between now and then, but faith says that it will happen.

Learning both piano and violin now, no I'm not insane, it's just a matter of time. I told myself that even when I'm 40years old o 60 years old I will still learn these 2 instruments, so why not now? And there we go, God has placed me here so that I'm able to do that things that I need to do. Thank you Lord.

This fever is making me emotional at this stage, I miss you and really hope to be able to see you soon.

"Cause every moment
we share together
is even better
than the moment before
if everyday was
as good as today was
then I can't wait till tomorrow comes"
- Westlife : Moments

A new beginning

"In all the work you are doing, work the best you can. Work as if you were doing it for the Lord, not for people"
- Colossians 3:23

Phew been a long long time since I wrote. My life has taken a new turn, after spending nearly 3 weeks already here in this new place, I realised that I did not end up here by chance, it seems that everything is working out so much faster here. I believe that this is what God has planned for me because I have not seen such great ease in my life. I'm given a good roommate from the same city, from the first day I've made many friends. And now I even have time to learn the piano and hopefully the violin soon.

"Jesus said, "Your Father knows the things you need before you ask him"
- Matthew 6:8

Once again there is no denying the role God has played in my life. I give thanks to him everyday. I realised that I'm slowly getting rid of my bad habits one by one. But there seems to be no change in plans about you, still inside of me, I'm just waiting for the day where God decides that it is time for us to meet, one year since we first met soon.

Near

So many things has happened in the past few days, my birthday and stuffs. People celebrated for me, and I got a present from an unexpected source. And that was the only present I got for my birthday, and it was exactly what I wanted. God has answered what I wanted in my heart, when I saw the present immediately I had a feeling that it was what I wanted and needed. And I opened it and surely it was the item. This is just a weird feeling, but I do not find it to be strange at all, it was as if I already believed that I would get that. Once again I thank God for all the blessings he has shown in my life.


Lyrics | Walk On (English Version) lyrics

Blessed

I feel blessed for all the things in my life, for all the lessons I've learnt, for meeting the people that has impacted on my life, and for all the things that await me in the future, for I believe God has given me much and only time will bring them to me.

Been busy with my Soros project, I sleep less and eat more when in this state, so it's a little unhealthy. Things will change when I go to study again. My parents ask what is the point in studying when I already have the understanding I know. To me it's not about money, and not about what I study. Maybe it's just that I don't like it here, or maybe I don't like the way my life is. I'm looking for you, the special someone in my heart, the one that would complete me. I have that missing feeling, something is missing. For others it may be material stuffs, for me it's you.

"And we know that in all things, God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
- Romans 8:28

I know God has given me a good life and I believe in him. Just do good to others, does not matter if they are using you or not, God will judge their hearts.

One thing I want, that is you.

Walk on

Have you had a dream so real that you are really there, you can touch and feel and smell. It happened two days ago, the dream was so so very real, I could touch her, I could feel her lips, I could feel our heads snuggling one each other. Who is she? I was sure it was you, but the more I think about it, the more I lose your face in her. Her face becomes erased, just a blot of darkness waiting for me to decide who she looks like. Ah well but that probably won't matter, whatever that will happen will happen, I will just pray to God so that I may make the wise and correct decision when the time comes.

Mozart's Oboe concerto is sooooo beautiful. Not to mention the first part where the Oboe joins in and has to hold a note for around 9 seconds. Beautiful and happy tune, a must to listen and appreciate for classical lovers.

"Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it ok
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction, oh beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
They may be empty and weightless, and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight"
- Sarah Mclachlan - In the arms of the angel

That dream was the first night where I did not take a sleeping pill. It has been two nights where I did not take a sleeping pill. I only have ten pills left for 10 nights, and now I can sleep without taking one. Although on the first night it was still a lot of waking up. But it really is a miracle, I did pray for it, prayed to be able to sleep without the need for sleeping pills and God answered me. That night for some reason I felt like I could sleep without the pill, it was as if something in my heart told me to try. I give thanks to God for the miracles that he has done in my life. He has made me realise something important through someone I met during my friend's wedding. It had put my heart in peace. Feels like I gained the strength to finally get on with my life, to finally start walking again. I've stopped, turned back and looked for too long, now it's time to continue and walk on.

Nice

Phew that was a busy few days, went for my friend's wedding party. She's probably my first close friend that got married. In truth we as friends were skeptic with her decision, but well having been there at the marriage, seems like it wasn't a bad decision for her. In fact I think we came to realise that she probably made the right choice in this matter, even thought it was a rush.
Then I was supposed to come back on Monday but the car that was supposed to fetch me broke down so I was stuck but seems like it was all planned out by God, I had no problems with travel and accommodation, a friend graciously offered a night to stay in.

"Konna ni chikaku ni kanjiru
Sorega Aideshou
Namida no kazu no itami wo kimi wa shitterukara
Sukitooru sono me no naka ni tashika na imi wo sagashite
Egao mitsuketai"
- Mikuni Shimokawa : Sorega Aideshou

"So this feeling of you being near me
That must be love
You know the pain of shedding numerous tears
So let me search for a definite meaning in your clear eyes
Because I want to find a smile"
- Mikuni Shimokawa : Sorega Aideshou(That is love)

Yesterday was a friend's birthday and after Tuesday home church we threw eggs and cakes and cold water on him. Normal traditional Indonesian way of celebrating someone's birthday, we throw terrible stuffs on them. Well I hope they don't do too bad stuffs on me when my birthday comes. My friends did that to me before a few years back in Melbourne. After a nice dinner they actually splashed me with eggs, flour and ice cream, that shirt smells of eggs always, no way of washing the smell away. But it was fun, they chased me all over the park to stuff ice cream down my back.

It's all good fun.

Ideal

In the middle of busying myself.

"Longing for the ideal while criticizing the real is evidence of immaturity. On the other hand, settling for the real without striving for the ideal is complacency. Maturity is living with the tension"
- Rick Warren

Why do people like to assume? They like to assume things that are not there, things that have already passed, things that even I don't really want. Yet they assume they know and judge me on that. Do not judge people, says God. I don't judge you, I see you as the person that I know, as the person that I am learning to understand, as the person that my heart wants to be with.

Beethoven's Spring Sonata is so beautiful. Like the flowing river, like a garden of flowers, like the freedom of the blue skies.

"Will I ever see
you smiling back at me
How will I know
If I let you go"
- Westlife : If I let you go

Far yet near

You are so far yet you are near as I hear your name every so often. But we don't get to meet nor talk face to face, that is so far. And today I was reminded of my own words, if we're fated then things will work out, that was what I said and after I remembered that my heart feel soothed.

I went to the pet shop again cos well it's in the mall I always go to. And I see five black scottish terriers. So much for having rare black scottish terriers, so says the salesman there. Oh well I'm not gonna get a pet dog currently cos circumstances has changed. Although I have been hoping for it but I didn't actually think that it will happen. Now I just have to believe more.

Hmmm not much to write about when I am not depressed or in a bad situation, not much pain or sadness to let out. Of course that does not mean everything is well, we all have problems ... it's just part of life.

It's still a long way.

"There's a place in your heart
And I know that it is Love
And this place could be much brighter than tomorrow
And if you really try
You'll find there's no need to cry
In this place you'll feel no hurt or sorrow"
- Michael Jackson : Heal the world

Pain

Today it hurts again, I don't know why but it hurts, something that someone said earlier bothered me greatly. My heart was worrying a lot, it was hurting a lot, I felt so gloomy, so sad and sad. I kept praying inside and asked God for help to let me go of that feeling. It was so bad that it was causing my body stress. And finally after Genneo(church for youngsters) I felt totally better, the worry isn't there, praise the Lord for that.

However it does lead me to thinking to a problem. You know you can just tell me anything. It doesn't matter if it leads to me being sad or anything, I'm pretty much ready for it.



"When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures"
- James 4:3

Is it because I'm asking it wrong? I don't think so, there is no malice nor possessiveness in my prayer. I asked God for your protection always, and hope that one day you will understand. Maybe I should just rephrase my prayers. I do hope that one day it will happen.

"I'll be waiting for you
Here inside my heart
I'm the one who wants to love you more
Can't you see I can give you
Everything you need
Let me be the one that love you more"
- Celine Dion: To love you more

Celine Dion has a wonderful singing voice.

Dream number 2

Dream number two was fulfilled yesterday, I did not expect it totally, yes somewhere inside my heart I was still hoping for it to happen but I have more or less given up at some point before the news was broken to me. Now will dream number one be fulfilled too? Again my heart hopes for it but outside I can't see it happening, but I will still believe.



No it is not up to me but up to God.

"Be joyful always, pray continuously, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus"
- 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Praying does help in certain ways, it lets your emotions out and you can hear your heart say what it wants without getting rejected. Well at least you won't get rejected right away, only time will tell if what you prayed for becomes reality or not. But I do believe that sometimes praying for other people do help, I did that for my parents and I see a change in them, or maybe they were just having a good mood that day but well things did go smoother.

Two parables I heard the past week from two different pastors. First was a plant would not grow well if it were not grown on good soil, and second was a fish would die if you took it out of its habitat and put on an expensive table. Well I understand what they meant and I thank you God for giving that understanding to my parents too.

Troubled Heart

My pastor's wife is in hospital, she has been suffering from abdominal pains for a while already, and now she has landed in hospital. Today we were scheduled to have a home church group in my friend's place but we got the news that we could not have it today. So we went to visit her and prayed there. God please come and heal her of her pains.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, trust also in me"
- John 14:1

When there are so much headaches in our day to day lives, how does one not let his heart be troubled? How does one stay in peace, sure we can probably hold that peace for some time, but surely one day we will need to let our dissatisfactions out. Guard your heart says pastor Joseph Prince. Guard your heart from troubles and the peace in you will be multiplied. Have to learn how to make that happen more often. It really is hard when circumstances are not helping.

Earthquakes, eclipses, tsunamis, are we seeing the signs of the end of age?

"I watched as he opened the sixth seal. There was a great earthquake. The sun turned black like a sackcloth made of goat hair, the whole moon turned blood red, and the stars in the sky fell to earth, as late figs drop from a fig tree when shaken by a strong wind. The sky receded like a scroll, rolling up, and every mountain and island was removed from its place."
- Revelation 6:12-14

Indonesia has lost many islands due to the melting of the ice caps. Small islands are being removed, I would wonder how a mountain is removed, just become flat? It's pretty terrifying reading the book of revelations. It's just a little unimaginable at this point in our lives. We will see dragons with many heads and eyes and crowns on their heads. We will see angels singing and blowing trumpets in heaven, a terrible happening with each blown trumpet. And that is how it will happen, when the world has become wretched and filthy. It can come anytime, but that doesn't mean we would have to wait for it all our lives. Just love.

Floating

I had a really weird dream and yesterday I asked the pastor what it meant. He could not give me an exact answer, but he did tell me of a story which I understood what it meant but I can't see how that is possible, though nothing is impossible. I was talking to him in his car on the way to supper after his once a month church. Gabby, his golden retriever is in the car and the whole way he was licking me, my whole right arm was licked by him, he's so cute. That is why I love dogs so much, they can be so friendly and loyal, they are patient and listens to their masters. I should take a picture of him sometime in the future. Thank you god for creating such beautiful creatures. Oh I was talking to the pastor and he told me a parable and asked me a question that I did not think I would be asked by someone. He asked if I ever thought of becoming a servant of God. I've never thought about that but now that does creep into my mind.

God are you testing me or tempting me or showing me a way? Please let me know, please help me understand what I am doubting.

"God will make a way
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to His side
With love and strength for each new day
He will make a way, He will make a way"
- Don Moen

Well now on to the second CD of Joseph Prince, I believe there will be some helpful stuffs from him.

Hills

"After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb"
- Nelson Mandela

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now but I know that an end is coming soon. A decision will have to be made. Sacrifices will be made, choices will be made and no regrets. We are all just waiting for something to happen soon. Just a piece of paper to arrive and things will start flowing again from there.

Joseph Prince keeps saying let go, don't do something, just stand there! While the world says don't just stand there, do something! Ironic but it does make sense to me and I understood what he meant. Just let God guide us, don't use too much logic when it comes to life. A dream is just a dream, as long as it does not become a reality then it is still just a dream. Psalms ... a very long chapter ... will take some time to read.

Thank you Joanna, where ever you are, for the comment regarding puppy mill puppies, yeah there is some good difference in just the price alone from pet shop to breeder. But here we don't really have any rescue groups, things are just not so developed when it comes to pets over on this part of the world.

Wait

Today my family pastor said that I'm the melancholy type, which means I'm often in a gloomy state of mind. I won't deny that as I know that sometimes I do dwell often in that state. Oh well ...

"How long are you willing to wait for the one you love?"
- Love in the time of cholera

How long would I wait ... it's such a simple question yet difficult to answer. Some people would not wait for long, some people give themselves time limits, while others may wait a really really long time not knowing if they would end up with the person they waited for so long. Once we decided we should not regret for we've made the choice. It took me seven years to get over the first one, I don't know how long it will take me to get over this one. It doesn't seem that things work out with the one in my heart, I don't understand ...



Today again I went to that pet shop and that black scottish terrier is still there, it was resting, he looked at me and I looked at him. His whole body is black like his eyes. He needs a good master, please God bring him to a good home. If the revelation of my decision is done and he is still there, I might take him home, and his name will be Sanji, a lover that gives his love freely without asking anything in return.

Corgi

Oh my...yesterday I just pleaded for a Corgi and today one appeared. Just when I thought I could make a decision I'm now hinted to reconsider. But it's a male, I want a female, a male is hard to toilet train cos they pee everywhere. But look at it, it's soooo cute. Although the more I look at it the more it looks like a fake photo cos the head does not look proportionate with the body.



Aaaar why does this keep happening??? Another crossroads, how come after about 4 months of waiting in vain now it finally comes, just when I thought I could make a decision already now the Corgi appears. It was only 2 days ago that I believed my choice was set and now I have to reconsider ... life ... is full of surprises.

Today is Valentine's, nothing special, went out with my brother and ended up sulking cos we pretty much didn't do anything except dinner and walk around. Wished I was there to give you flowers and go on a date with you, but well ... no chance for that this year. My parents went to some dinner where a person gave a testimony of the miracle of God. His face is totally disfigured after a plane accident, if you saw him you would thought you saw a zombie. But despite his appearance, his wife stayed on and supported him all these years, they even got onto The Oprah Winfrey Show once. You know that is love. Some people just know love, but they don't understand love.

Maybe this Corgi ... is my Valentine present.

"No matter the circumstance, after you gave love, accepted or not, don't grumble nor boast about it, for you gave it willingly"
- my heart

Cookie

This fortune cookie is the one on my facebook yet I've never actually pay attention to it until today. Two of my friends told me this same phrase today, how ironic. I still cannot decide I guess but I have to do it soon.

It doesn't seem that I could get over you, so I would just give up trying to forget cos the more I try the more it won't happen, feelings are exactly like that. But at least I got over that needy feeling. Bakery or Florist, you choose.

Wow my computer suddenly have 4GB of Christian songs cos a fellow church friend came and lent me his MP3 CDs. Oh I don't know what I'm typing, tomorrow's Valentine's ... sooooooo what? Ok ok I will admit to myself that I would be lonely, but nothing I can do about that, not like I can just ask any girl out like that. I would be happy if I can give flowers to a girl, but well no chance for that this year I guess.

Today I received my friend's wedding invitation, it's sooo nice, maybe it's the first time that I'm actually receiving a wedding invitation, that's why it's so nice and I feel really happy for my friend. I know she has went through a lot and it's good to know that she has made a decision. Now I have to make a decision.

It's strange that I keep waking up at around 4.30am these days, I don't understand, no matter what time I sleep I wake up at that time, am I supposed to do something at that time? Sometimes it's after a dream sometimes it's not, but I don't even remember the dream after that. But I only know one thing, that is I can't sleep after that.



I have like 30+ songs in my Ipod classical playlist, and these few days when I listen to it at night when I sleep, I don't last 3 songs before I'm off to dreamland. Let's see how many Christian songs I can last, but 4GBs of songs will take some time to put in. Oh well, one at a time as they say, I don't really know who 'they' are.

Today again I visited the pet shop, one black scottish terrier left, hope he finds a good master soon. There's also one white scottish terrier, she's energetic, likes to run around in the cage and she banged the glass wall, how cute, hope a good master gives her a home soon too. Arrr a corgi or a jack russel already please.

Just a dream

It seems that God didn't want to break my heart, instead he wanted me to realize myself that it was nothing but a dream. It's just a dream, it doesn't mean a thing. I knew from that day I saw you that I will never recover if ever I get my heart broken this time, and perhaps God heard me and helped me. I am to learn and understand my own self that it was just a passing moment. Just a hopeful moment for me. It was lovely and beautiful yet unfriendly and unalike. Yet I was hoping for too much. The end is still far and I was impatient. If indeed she is the one then she will be the one. No need to be impatient, jealous, hasty or angry about it. The salty patches will flow, it still hurts to realize that they were nothing but delusional hope. Maybe I was waiting for this day, for a time where these feelings will past, where they will finally let go of me and I can start anew. It just wasn't natural, such things are perhaps never meant to be. I won't know what I will think of when I wake up tomorrow but I know it will be good.

I think I was right in making this blog as a place for me to dump my feelings, else if I keep them all inside, one day I might just go crazy.

"Father touch my heart
Change my life to a brand new one
Like a pure gold
You mold my vessel of heart
Father teach me to understand
a love that always gives
Like a flowing water that will never stop"
- Father, Touch My Heart

Everytime I sing this song in church in Indo, the tears can't stop, it just keeps flowing and flowing. You can call me crazy and insane, but my feelings are real. Feels like years of accumulated pain are being released slowly. I'm sure I am not the only one tearing when singing this song cos I can hear many people sobbing and sniffing, just don't get to see them as I always sit right in front.



It was just a long moment, but it was nothing.

I am your angel

"No mountains too high, for you to climb
all you have to do is have some climbing faith, oh yeah
No rivers too wide, for you to make it across
All you have to do is believe it when you pray"

Another day and another strange dream, I was awake at 4am+ for no reason. Maybe I was just waiting for a message of goodwill, and I got it right after I went to the toilet in the morning. I'm just glad to know that you're all right.

"And then you will see, the morning will come
And everyday will be bright as the sun
All of your fears, cast them on me
I just want you to see ... "

When the sad feeling comes, I start to tell myself to not dwell in it for too long, it is fruitless and just a waste of feelings and time. What is done is done, I am only human, I cannot turn back time, I can only look forward and believe that things will be better.

"I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel"

Again the crybaby in me came out, why have I became so emotional these days, is something bad gonna happen? What am I looking for? What do I want? What am I here for? Why didn't I listen? Why why why ... Just shut up already and listen better next time.

"And when all hope is gone, I'm here
No matter how far you are, I'm here
It makes no difference who you are
I am your angel, I'm your angel"

Maybe I'm waiting for that special someone to find me before I can really move on, or perhaps it is marriage, but that sounds really weird. Things around me are changing but I feel my feelings are still stuck in a rut. Am I imprisoning myself? More self condemnation? But I believe that it won't be like this for long, even when current circumstances does not support but I have to believe it not because I am comforting myself, but because I believe it.

"I saw the teardrops, and I heard you cry
All you need is time, seek me and you shall find
You have everything but you're still lonely
It don't have to be this way, let me show you a better day"

All I need is time, but have I taken too long? Reminds me of my grandma, she was very happy when we were all there playing dominoes with her, and she said that when the night comes she gets lonely cos she only lives with my grandpa and he refuses to move house to somewhere nearer to my aunt. Even though my grandma was a fierce parent to my parents, she is still a good person. And my grandpa although talks mostly about business and stuffs even when he has experienced stroke, he is still the same lovely grandpa for me. And I wish for them both to have long lives.

"And then you will see, the morning will come
And all of your days will be bright as the sun
So all of your fears, just cast them on me
How can I make you see ..."

For when the day comes for us to meet again, I will not lose that chance again, I will be prepared, I will be the one you seek, the one that heals your sorrow, the one that supports you in times of need, the one that you'll talk to when you're down and the one that will understands you when noone else do.



"And when it's time to face the storm
I'll be right by your side
Grace will keep us safe and warm
And I know we will survive"

Funny how I'm typing all these with my eyes closed while listening to some music. Guess I've been typing for a long long time that my fingers can already remember where the letters are. Of course sometimes I still make mistakes here and there. Maybe it seems that I should learn the piano.

"And when it seems as if your end is drawing near
Don't you dare give up the fight
Just put your trust beyond the sky ..."

It's been weeks and still no Corgi nor Jack Russels. Two of four scottish terriers are left in the pet shop. They're so cute, they broke the barrier to their neighbour the poms and played with them until the workers separated them, so sad. Is this a sign that I have to do what I need to do? I was telling myself that if any corgi or jack russels appears I will buy it and perhaps decided where I would be. It seems that perhaps that it is the sign that I have to make a decision soon.

"I'll be your cloud up in the sky
I'll be your shoulder when you cry
I'll hear your voices when you call me
I am your angel"
- Celine Dion & R.Kelly : I'm your angel

Timing

It has been hurting for two days but today in church it was soothed. I went to church alone today, my parents and brother was kinda lazy to go, but well it's not that bad. I went not because I was not lazy, but because I felt that I needed to go. Strangely normally on a cold day like this I would be the laziest and hibernate, but today it was different, I wasn't the one hibernating. For some reason even though the state is probably the same, but it seems that outside forces are starting to come in and change things for the better.

Was it just not fated or was it just bad timing or a little of both? Neither of which really exist though. I wasn't listening, I wasn't dumb enough, I was being told yet I did not hear it in. Too many times we use our logical thoughts too much to no avail, yet when we listen carefully we are being told a lot. I still believe in that dream, but sometimes it just gets harder to have the faith to believe. When things are not looking good, I tend to lose faith and become gloomy. Last time I would dwell in it for some time, but seems now I move on from those feelings faster and think about the better stuffs to be happy about. But I still can't help it if I think about you day after day, it is an unconditional love from me to you.

"It's not what you do, but how much love you put into it that matters"
- Mother Theresa

Ooooh Love

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all my possessions to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, the will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is LOVE."
- 1 Corinthians 13:1-13

Love love love, the bible cannot make it any clearer and I have no idea why my bookmark was on that page of the bible. If I have not loved, I am nothing and I gain nothing. But yet we are afraid to love, afraid to get hurt, afraid that it will end up in a broken heart. Love is patient and kind, for it does not envy nor boast. If we have a love that is jealous, like we cannot accept that the person we like likes someone else instead of us, that sounds more like lust as love is patient and does not envy. Who we choose to love is our own choice, however not everyone we fall for will like us. There will be times when we get rejected and feel dejected ... why do I suddenly write in rhymes...?



People should be honest about their feelings, that should lessen misunderstandings and missed chances. Of course most of the time when we're in love, we probably don't know what we should do half the time. We probably don't have to think too much about it, the more we think about it, the harder it becomes to be natural. Love is not about receiving, but about giving. We give our love willingly, not expecting anything in return. We do it because we love the other person, not because we want that person to show their love back. If your heart starts to feel that way, it gets so much easier to love someone unconditionally.



Giving love is such a beautiful thing, sometimes we need an excuse to show our love to someone, because we're not in tune with our hearts, our logical thinking is overwriting our emotional thoughts. If we think about bad stuffs related to love, we should overwrite them yes, but if our hearts think about good stuffs, why do we need to suppress them. If my heart feels like giving the love in my heart a present I would give it, without thinking whether she would do the same or not.

But how to keep a love that is unfated? I still have not the answer to that question. And to make it harder is the question if there is such a thing as fate. Fate is like something that we make, like life, fate is what we make of it. If we believe that bad things should happen before the good things come then it is fate. If we believe that it is fate then it is fate. We are what we believe.

Oh here I go again, typing ironies after ironies. We should not be shy of love, as it is the greatest of them all.

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Happy Chinese New Year everyone!!!