parable

Today I was baptized. I wouldn't say that I feel much different, even I know that I won't find any difference if I don't want to feel different. God please give me the courage to want to change, the courage to make a difference in my life. Please show me the way, I am squatting now at the major crossroads and I am very afraid of making a mistake again. Please give me a sign of what to choose.

I am special and I believe I am special, that has been how I have lived for so long, yet now perhaps I have come to the realization that I am just a mere mortal. The world is getting more and more absurd and that is even written in the bible. Nearer to the day of reckoning more and more people will not believe in the Lord. People know that and yet they will do it, it's like how I accept that perhaps I am indulging in depression and yet I still do it.

Indulging in depression, that was the phrase one of my good friend said. I know what my problem is but yet I know that it will take something major to make me able to change it. At this point there is not much that I can do to change things because I am still controlled, they wouldn't let me go. They think too much about the unknown. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm just accepting that I might be like this for a real long time. Someone that knows me well enough told me straight up what I was afraid of. That person said, I am having fear, fear of failure, lost of direction, don't know if I was making the right choice, worried that there is no support from my family and worried that whatever I choose they will question. Feels like my heart was stabbed six times by those words.

Well two days of home church group did help with the sad loneliness that I might face if I was alone at home. Today went to the pet shop and still no Corgi nor Jack Russel but many Chihuahuas. The black yorkshire terriers are still there and another two white scottish terriers I think. The white scottish terriers are cute, but I'm not really looking for long haired dogs. The usual dogs are there, the Pomeranians, the Shit Tzus and Daschunds. Not to my taste though. Sigh even I am picky in looking for a best friend.

Johann Pachelbel composed Canon, made famous by the Korean movie "My Sassy Girl", well it is probably not that hard to play, I think if someone was to learn playing the piano they will learn that song. I like classicals, watching Nodame Cantabile just fired my interests up. Maybe that is what I need, to learn something like musical instruments.

I don't really know what I'm writing, just random thoughts, on my left are antibiotics, sleeping pills, anti depressants and paracetamols. Feels that I am some kind of sick person, maybe I am. Or actually I am sick, having this cough for a pretty long time, maybe already 1 week plus, just when I thought it has become better it became worse. Now that I am baptized, lots to think about...