rhythm

That feeling of worthlessness is creeping back, and it really really makes me feel like ending it. Going to the psychologist does help solve the problem sooner or later, he can give you enough advice to make you feel better and also enough drugs for you to overdose yourself. What is this talks about killing myself, am I just doing this to threaten my family? If it is I should not feel so bad about myself. I really need a dog soon, please God send me a Corgi or Jack Russel. Or maybe I'm just being too picky...what's the point in my breathing. Surely one day this feeling will be replaced with something better? I don't understand why I'm feeling like this, am I meant to go through this and was I meant to survive it? AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa



Don't think I want to eat dinner tonight, It'll take a whole night to get through this panic attack. Urmmm ok so a low serotonin level has been found to be associated with intense religious experiences, okay time to pop in 2 efexors to relax myself since it is a Friday. Wtf am I schizo or something? Why do I seem to have double personalities? Someone slap me awake already.



My goodness, if this continues, which girl in the world would ever want to be with me. Why am I even thinking about that, I know myself that it isn't helping if this continues. But why...am I just doing this cos I don't like girls? That's not possible, if I don't like girls I won't have feelings for them. Or maybe I got too hurt in one of my past relationships that I'm scared of having one? There was a very sad episode, I don't know how deep that scar is, but I thought I was over it long ago, maybe it's not that then. God why am I even thinking about girls, I can't even make myself happy, how do I make anyone else happy.

Oh cool I log into my Go account and find myself finally ranked, now I'm a 17 kyu player, used to be BC which I have no idea what it means, but probably something like beginner or unranked. The lowest rank after that is 30 kyu, so to be ranked 17 kyu is pretty good. Don't think I want to play today, don't feel in the mood to use my brain, just feels like pouring my heart out in this blog. I'm not typing these to let the world know my feelings, I'm just talking to myself, I find that I do that often these days so better pour them out somewhere before I snap or something.

I don't know if this efexor or xanax is helping or not, people are supposed to feel focused after xanax but I get sleepy. Efexor's supposed to be taken in the morning but I keep yawning after taking it. What in the world is wrong with my body, or is it my emotional state?

I don't know I don't know I don't know. Waaaaaaaaa