No Problemo

"When dealing with any problem in life, we want to get to its root"
- Joseph Prince

Problems problems problems, who doesn't have them? Everyone has problems, whether it is life, family, love, work or friends, there are problems in everything. But in problems there are chances, a chance to learn, a chance to forgive, a chance to be patient and more. Therefore we should not be unhappy when problems come to us, however we should not go around looking for troubles too.

"When someone prays to be courageous, does God give him courage or the opportunity to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God sets them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them an opportunity to love each other?"
- Evan Almighty



Love, it always come down to this. Beethoven's love for music, the beauty of his Symphony no.7, just can't get enough of it. Love love love, makes people do crazy things just for a little appreciation. And yet most of the time they would not even get anything in return, and yet people still look for it. It hurts, yet it doesn't hurt. The ironies of life, it's all in the heart, you believe and therefore it happens. What would happen if we were to believe in the good things only, some would say that's asking for disappointment which then leads to other negative feelings like anger and stress. Some would say that is being optimistic, which is good, it is good to see the good in everything. Believe, that is all we need, three pastors said the same thing over the course of a week, how can I forget after such experiences.

Simon answered, "Master, we've worked hard all night and haven't caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets."
- Luke 5:5

"Your answer lies in right believing"
- Joseph Prince

Alike

Is it not possible for two persons that are alike to be together? Must it always be opposites attract? Two people that are noisy might result in a noisy relationship, two people that are quiet might result in a quiet relationship, in both cases there are problems. In a relationship where one in noisy and the other one quiet, that might be the best in everyone's mind. But even in that there are problems, one expresses a lot while the other doesn't. So I refuse to believe that only opposites attract, I am sure that as long as both have faith and trust in the relationship, it will work out, doesn't matter if both are quiet or noisy.

Nothing happened in today's church group, feels more like going to a Tuesday church for me. I mean no crying or anything, just a normal service and more praying. Well all of us have our own problems, doesn't matter what age we are, we all have them.



Why do I always like to be the nice guy? It doesn't seem that girls fall for nice guys, nice guys are just ... too nice. They always put the other person first, thus most of the time makes the other side feels that he is not interested. No not being nice like giving gifts or flowers, but nice by letting the girl make an easier choice. How many nice guys and not so nice guys go after the same girl, yet the nice guy just quietly backs down because he feels that he is giving the girl and easier choice, and that would probably make the girl think that he is not interested, thus making things difficult for themselves. You know if nice guys can just be more selfish to their needs, perhaps they could get their partners easier, but they will be no more mister nice guy. Being a nice guy is a pain.

Moving On

"God blesses you not because you are good, but because He is good"
- Joseph Prince



Today I woke up with a bad feeling, my heart was hurting, it was in pain and I don't know the reason. No it wasn't physical pain, it was emotional pain. I don't know how or why it hurts but it was hurting. It seems that I've become a crybaby after being baptized. I tear at the slightest of things, I read a book and tear, I listen to pastor's talk and cry, when I speak about my experiences I tear. I really have become a bit of a crybaby. Tomorrow that same pastor that I cried to will be invited to my parent's home church group and I am gonna attend, oh hope I don't cry like I did on Sunday.



Sometimes we can't really control what we think of, unintentionally we start to think about our sad memories and dwell in it for longer than a moment and it starts to affect our day. Not as easy as saying I want to only think about happy things when we don't have much happy stuffs to think about. That's why we must learn how to feel blessed and thankful. We are thankful for the life we have and the experiences we have gotten so far for they have shaped us for who we are.

First Step

Hajime no Ippo is a boxing manga written by Jyoji Morikawa about a boy who works hard to become a boxing champion. The series is still going strong even though already 83 books has been published. A very nice manga to read, Hajime no Ippo means The First Step.



"You can take up courses, read books, do your work diligently and so on, but your trust must not be in these things. It must be in what Jesus has done for you. So if you are a student, for example, by all means, study hard. Score straight As for the Glory of God! But don't trust in your intelligence or qualifications to bring you the blessings of God"
- Joseph Prince

Today in church, towards the end of the session, the pastor started praying, and from then on I could not hold my tears, it just kept flowing and flowing. Even until the session was over my tears would not stop, I went up and cried to the pastor and asked for forgiveness.



He said "it is ok" and I cried more. One of my friend's mum says she could sometimes see "things" and today at church she saw God and he was going around giving blessings. It is true and there have been many witnesses, that when there is a gathering in the name of God, the mighty one will appear or one of his sent angels. I have never seen the Lord but today I felt like I could feel him. My tears kept on flowing because in my heart I felt like someone was telling me "I know your pain, but persevere in it and you shall see its fruit soon." The pastor asked people that want to be blessed to go in front, my father, younger brother and I was sitting on the 2nd row and so we went up. Several other people also went up and a few of them collapsed when being blessed. It was like a process of letting go, people were having problems and all of us has problems. I understand how they felt, the feeling of being forgiven is great.

"Do not judge, and you will not be judged, do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you shall be forgiven"
- Luke 6:37

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Today I was talking to my friend's mum. Then the topic about what type of girl do I like came up. I realised that I don't go after girls because of their looks nor status. If I like a girl I will tell her I like her, even though sometimes it is probably the most stupid thing to do. But I do believe that when it comes to love, a guy should just follow what his heart says. But of course I don't go up to a girl I just met and tell her I like her. When I have feelings for a girl I will wait, wait for a second and third meeting. If the feeling is still there then I would tell her straight how I feel. But chance brings so that sometimes we do fall for people that might not have the same feelings.



In such times we can only hang on to it, I am a guy that pretty much is dumb and just blindly follow my heart in matters of love. When I have a girl in my heart I cannot bring myself to like another. I will wait and hope that, if the girl in my heart is not the one for me, then one day my love for her would be replaced. Of course I must be prepared when this happens and I am not her chosen one.



In life and love and everything we do, to make it happen we must take the first step, have faith and believe in his plans.

"You don't have to be able to see the whole staircase, you just need to take the first step"
- Martin Luther King Jr

"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
- Laozi

Love

"A new command I give you : Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."
- John 13:34



Love, probably the most complex of human emotions. People suffer from it yet they keep looking for it. Those that gets it do not know how to appreciate it until they lose it. Sometimes it hurts so much that your heart feels so much pain, sometimes it makes you happy so much that you feel you're the luckiest person ever.



Give love, it's because that we're afraid of not getting our love returned, that's why we don't give it. There is no need to be afraid of giving love, even though the other party probably would not return it, but it is our feelings. We should not be selfish to our own feelings. We like a person and so we show it, not trying to suppress it instead. Of course we have to be able to distinguish love and lust.



We can probably control who we choose to love but we can't control how deep it can go. It starts out as a like, then like a young seedling it grows and one day it blooms. But like all flowers, it will one day wither and die off, but not before it produces another seedling. No not a love for another person, but a reignited love for the same person. Noone can love a person all their life, there will be times of arguements, times of dislike, times of sadness and times of dissappointments in love, but in the end we all aim and work for the times of happiness.



I've learnt to not be demanding in love, just give, whatever comes back is a bonus.

"Love is only a word, what matters is the connection the word implies"
- Rama-Kandra(The Matrix)

Signs

Everytime I ask that question I keep getting reminded of that dream of a few days ago. I realised that even though I want it to happen, but also I am scared of it happening. Surreal I would say, feels like ... well it was a dream. Why can't I just accept when my questions are answered? I asked a question and I got the answer, why can't I just accept that? Why must I keep on asking hoping to get another answer? I am happy with that answer, but I'm getting doubts, I doubt the answer, I doubt myself in being able to attain what I dreamt. Fear and worry are there, makes me not be able to accept the answer I'm given. Things are just as simple as accepting, yet we humans always make it complicated.



Feels like I'm punishing myself for something wrong I did in the past. There are things that we just would not understand. One cannot see things past the choices they don't understand. And I don't understand why I'm doing this or why am I feeling like this.

"You've got the gift, but it looks like you're waiting for something"
- The Oracle

Rejection, it is hard when you have to live not being accepted, yet we like to look for rejections. Is it noble to live life always wallowing in the sadness of rejection, where is the point in that? Rejection or not it would not change much, except perhaps our hopes become disappointments. And then we move on with it.



I can't believe I just wrote those things, feels like someone else was talking to me. And the song playing now is Rachmaninoff's 2nd Piano Concerto, it says ...... I am special.

parable

Today I was baptized. I wouldn't say that I feel much different, even I know that I won't find any difference if I don't want to feel different. God please give me the courage to want to change, the courage to make a difference in my life. Please show me the way, I am squatting now at the major crossroads and I am very afraid of making a mistake again. Please give me a sign of what to choose.

I am special and I believe I am special, that has been how I have lived for so long, yet now perhaps I have come to the realization that I am just a mere mortal. The world is getting more and more absurd and that is even written in the bible. Nearer to the day of reckoning more and more people will not believe in the Lord. People know that and yet they will do it, it's like how I accept that perhaps I am indulging in depression and yet I still do it.

Indulging in depression, that was the phrase one of my good friend said. I know what my problem is but yet I know that it will take something major to make me able to change it. At this point there is not much that I can do to change things because I am still controlled, they wouldn't let me go. They think too much about the unknown. I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm just accepting that I might be like this for a real long time. Someone that knows me well enough told me straight up what I was afraid of. That person said, I am having fear, fear of failure, lost of direction, don't know if I was making the right choice, worried that there is no support from my family and worried that whatever I choose they will question. Feels like my heart was stabbed six times by those words.

Well two days of home church group did help with the sad loneliness that I might face if I was alone at home. Today went to the pet shop and still no Corgi nor Jack Russel but many Chihuahuas. The black yorkshire terriers are still there and another two white scottish terriers I think. The white scottish terriers are cute, but I'm not really looking for long haired dogs. The usual dogs are there, the Pomeranians, the Shit Tzus and Daschunds. Not to my taste though. Sigh even I am picky in looking for a best friend.

Johann Pachelbel composed Canon, made famous by the Korean movie "My Sassy Girl", well it is probably not that hard to play, I think if someone was to learn playing the piano they will learn that song. I like classicals, watching Nodame Cantabile just fired my interests up. Maybe that is what I need, to learn something like musical instruments.

I don't really know what I'm writing, just random thoughts, on my left are antibiotics, sleeping pills, anti depressants and paracetamols. Feels that I am some kind of sick person, maybe I am. Or actually I am sick, having this cough for a pretty long time, maybe already 1 week plus, just when I thought it has become better it became worse. Now that I am baptized, lots to think about...

rhythm

That feeling of worthlessness is creeping back, and it really really makes me feel like ending it. Going to the psychologist does help solve the problem sooner or later, he can give you enough advice to make you feel better and also enough drugs for you to overdose yourself. What is this talks about killing myself, am I just doing this to threaten my family? If it is I should not feel so bad about myself. I really need a dog soon, please God send me a Corgi or Jack Russel. Or maybe I'm just being too picky...what's the point in my breathing. Surely one day this feeling will be replaced with something better? I don't understand why I'm feeling like this, am I meant to go through this and was I meant to survive it? AAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa



Don't think I want to eat dinner tonight, It'll take a whole night to get through this panic attack. Urmmm ok so a low serotonin level has been found to be associated with intense religious experiences, okay time to pop in 2 efexors to relax myself since it is a Friday. Wtf am I schizo or something? Why do I seem to have double personalities? Someone slap me awake already.



My goodness, if this continues, which girl in the world would ever want to be with me. Why am I even thinking about that, I know myself that it isn't helping if this continues. But why...am I just doing this cos I don't like girls? That's not possible, if I don't like girls I won't have feelings for them. Or maybe I got too hurt in one of my past relationships that I'm scared of having one? There was a very sad episode, I don't know how deep that scar is, but I thought I was over it long ago, maybe it's not that then. God why am I even thinking about girls, I can't even make myself happy, how do I make anyone else happy.

Oh cool I log into my Go account and find myself finally ranked, now I'm a 17 kyu player, used to be BC which I have no idea what it means, but probably something like beginner or unranked. The lowest rank after that is 30 kyu, so to be ranked 17 kyu is pretty good. Don't think I want to play today, don't feel in the mood to use my brain, just feels like pouring my heart out in this blog. I'm not typing these to let the world know my feelings, I'm just talking to myself, I find that I do that often these days so better pour them out somewhere before I snap or something.

I don't know if this efexor or xanax is helping or not, people are supposed to feel focused after xanax but I get sleepy. Efexor's supposed to be taken in the morning but I keep yawning after taking it. What in the world is wrong with my body, or is it my emotional state?

I don't know I don't know I don't know. Waaaaaaaaa

crescendo

Today I played a horrible game of go, not that I lost but my opponent is one that is still new to the game, he was doing ok till mid game, after losing the battle at bottom left he went into kaboom mode with linear moves without thinking. I assume he was frustrated as I was once like that too in the past. Nothing much to talk about though, not even funny. I played black and final score was 218 vs 21.5.



"People make mistakes. Sometimes very serious ones. As often as not, the mistakes aren't deliberate or personal. Sometimes people just don't know what they are doing. This means that if, in the past, people have behaved badly towards you, it wasn't necessarily because they meant to be horrid, but because they were as naive, as foolish, as human as the rest of us. They made mistakes in the way they brought you up or finished a relationship with you or whatever, not because they wanted to do it that way, but because they didn't know any different."
-Richard Templar

We all make mistakes, sometimes very serious ones. People say that it is ok to make mistakes, we are human, and yet how many more serious mistakes can we afford to make. Time is turning, how many more chances do we get at making mistakes? There is no elaborate word for fear of making mistakes, just a simple mistake phobia. There really is no point dwelling on a mistake already made, it might fill us up with the "what if..." doubts but it's best to just forget and move on.

Memories are nice and sweet but sometimes bitter too. A problem most of us face is that we are not able to let go of those bittersweet memories. I do not believe that they can just be forgotten, but instead they can be replaced. Creating new memories to replace the old ones. Memories are just ... memories, if they are buried they will one day resurface, if they are forgotten they will come back, but if they are replaced, it is not easy for the old memories to displace the new ones.

What in the world am I typing. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa

echoes

Today I played a game of go and it was a hard one, my opponent knew how to play and both of us pretty much never made simple mistakes. I was pressed pretty hard and by mid game I have already given up and things doesn't look good for me, I've lost the fight in the corners and was pressed into the middle. Normally I would have lost by a lot, but somehow I manage to cut his territories smaller and in the end won by 3.5 moku. In terms of territory I lost but I ate more stones than him and with the 5.5 moku I managed to squeeze through. A messy game from noobs if a pro saw this, I played black, final score was 63 vs 59.5.



What is the point in life? To find love? To get our hearts broken? To earn money? To have a family? Everyone would have asked those questions before at some point in life. I have been asking them for more than a decade. And I fell into depression asking them, my brother then lent me a book to read which is titled, "The purpose driven life" and not surprisingly it talks about God.

"A life devoted to things is a dead life, a stump, a God shaped life is a flourishing tree"
Proverbs 11:28

It's pretty much easier for a girl/woman to love God because he's portrayed as a male, which makes it hard for men to actually develop those feelings for him, unless it isn't hard for them to develop men to men feelings. Why was God not portrayed as a woman? That would make it easier for men to love her, of course sometimes harboring perverted thoughts which are nono.

"For God has planted them like strong and graceful oaks for his own glory"
Isaiah 61:3

So well perhaps we live to serve God, that is if you want to believe that. I would not argue with that, my family is Christian and so am I, just that I have never been serious about religion. Not that a person must be serious and become a pastor of sort, just that to treat it as something more than just a way to do good.

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It has been a while since I had any dreams after taking medication, most of the time it's sleep and wake up, a few days ago I had a dream. One thing I don't like about my dreams is that most of the time they are the future deja vu. It's like peeking into the future, so I get sad when I dream about something bad. But this dream wasn't bad, in fact it should make me happy but looking at the present I hardly see that dream becoming a reality, but who knows. Things might just happen.

One sided romance hurts, not because the other person cannot return the love, but because you expect the other party to return it. And because we have expectations and they are not met, we get frustrated and sad and it starts hurting inside. We start to question ourselves why aren't we likeable, which part of me don't you like, what can I change to make you like me....etc. It's better to just give love and not expect anything in return. It's hard to learn that, it took me a long time to learn that feeling. Yes it hurts initially to be the only one giving, but giving starts to become a joy. And if they ever did anything nice to me, that kind of happiness is really priceless.



No no I did not learn that after reading this manga, but I just happen to read it. Fun to find all these few boxes of pictures with meaningful words. All right too much pics for a day, I might run out of them if I keep writing. It's strange how much crap I can write about in a day.

Empty symphony

Moved from my Xanga site where the tools are pretty crappy and back again to Blogspot. Haru Symphony or Spring Symphony is what I'm looking for just like Beethoven's Spring Sonata or to be exact it is Violin Sonata No.5 Opus 24 Movement 1 - Allegro.

Empty and empty as it is, even Beethoven's Spring Sonata could not wake me up from this current dull black and white world. Maybe it's because the drummania I love to hit so much isn't here, actually there is one machine, however the hi-hat is broken so also no point playing. Maybe I should learn a musical instrument to keep myself busy, and also get myself a pet dog that would not make me lonely. But I'm still waiting for a Corgi or a Jack Russel to appear on the ads. They're pretty rare here in Indo, but I think there would be a time when they appear.

Yesterday I played Go after a long time againts someone about my level, it was a close game, both of us made many mistakes. I thought I have lost the game when I made a mistake and lost the fight on the right board but turns out he made a bigger mistake when fighting on the left board and in the end I was able to win by 30+ moku, but meh it did not even register any feelings. I played White, final score was 141.5 vs 111.0.



It used to have someone there, but a few weeks or perhaps months that feeling was gone, feels like someone else robbed those feelings but decided to dump it right away. Or perhaps it has come to this because of my realisation that I could never get that whom I like. Aimlessly walking for hours and yet fate was not kind to me, or perhaps fate never was involved at all.

Being empty is good for one thing, you don't actually feel much, every feeling is suppressed, bad in a way that you can't laugh hysterically and good in a way that you can't really cry your heart out. A monotonous feeling, a painless feeling, subtle and bitter, given time it might manifest into something far worse.

It doesn't seem that my writings ever change, always without structure, much like the ramblings of a madman. Like Rachmaninoff's Piano Concerto no.2, depressing but in this case, the happy and lively end was not reached. Like the wilting bud that has not got a chance to bloom. Like the salmon that swam upriver but got slapped out by the hungry bear. Yep perhaps finally I'm crossing the line to join the people with Beethoven's and Einstein's hair.

Yep I've been watching the JDrama Nodame Cantabile recently, that's why I'm using a few classical pieces, they are really nice. The acting was really good and the show won several awards including best actress and director, the opening song was perfect using Beethoven's Symphony no.7 which was also played twice with the orchestra in the show. Talk about coincidence, I bought an orchestra DVD a few days before I even watched Nodame Cantabile and it had that piece. The conductor was Carlos Kleiber who has already passed away but just watching him lead the piece makes me get goosebumps. Bravo Maestro!

Well I hope I can write often like I used to, you know people tend to write more when they are not happy as being happy is boring, that's why Korean dramas are popular, cos they are mostly sad.